Living in a Minor Key

The long goodbye

2006-05-24T09:18:00.000-04:00

There are lots of reasons to move, maybe you've outgrown your current house, maybe you're just not happy with your neighbours or the neighbourhood. Maybe you want to downsize and have less lawn to mow. Or maybe you've just done everything you want to with your home and you want to move on to new projects.

That's where I am right now with this blog. I haven't updated regularly in months, not because I don't still enjoy blogging but because I don't enjoy blogging here. I'm in the process of setting up shop elsewhere in the hope that a new location will rekindle my interest.

Thank you to each and every one of you for sharing the past 2 and a half years with me. Your comments and support have gotten me through some of my darkest days and buoyed me through some of my happiest moments.

If you'd like my new address once I've "rebuilt" please email me at
x e r x i a @ g m a i l . c o m

I hope to see you there!

All blissed out and no where to go

2006-04-18T12:16:00.000-04:00

Holidays are about family, and up until now that's always meant, for us, visiting our parents/parents-in-law, siblings, nieces/nephews, aunts/uncles and other extended family members. This Easter, for the first time, spending time with the family meant spending time just us - just me and the hubby and our brood. And it was fabulous. Of course I missed the extended family, but being together just us with nowhere to go, no one to prepare for, it was so wonderful. I think the kids felt it too - there was little fighting, little whining, mostly just playing nicely, lots of hugs for the mama and good moods.

So I'm back at work today, but relaxed and feeling pleasant. It's sunny and warm, and I have a 3-and-a-bit day workweek (3 full days and one classroom day, learning a computer program). There should be 4 day weekends more often!

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

IMGP8478
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

We wish you a very blessed Easter, full of joy and wonder.

Every time Katie found a treat hidden she'd say "isn't that magical, while Jonah would yell "yook mama - EGGS!!!". The first year that both of them "got it", and they had a blast discovering each hidden chocolate and toy at their own pace, showing their discoveries to each other, and sharing. It was perfect.

Farm Boy

2006-04-11T21:55:00.000-04:00

IMGP8369
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

Took the kids to C's friend's farm on the weekend. We're such city people, but the babes loved it. Jonah got muddy, Katie got to collect eggs and they both chased barn cats. I discovered that horse fur makes my eyes itchy and that nothing tastes as good after a morning outside as french fries from a casse-croute.

Got Blog?

2006-04-10T18:55:00.000-04:00

Why do you blog?

When I started blogging it was mostly a way to keep in touch with online friends, then it sort of morphed into a place where I could chat about what was on my mind and what was happening in my life. But lately I'm finding fewer and fewer things I can talk about here. I'd like to talk about my friend who is battling depression and how incredibly worried I am about that friend, about my friend who is critically ill and how worried I am about that friend, about my own struggles with hating work and hating the need to work, the guilt of leaving my kids every morning, the battle to be a better parent, the stupid things I do on an almost daily basis. I want to blog about the people and places around me. Problem is there are too many people I know in real life who read my blog, too many people who would recognise the people I want to blog about regardless of how I try to disguise them. Too many people who would read about my mistakes and then be in a position to hold them against me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know there are friends I love dearly who keep track of my life through this ridiculous little blog, and I don't want to let them down. But coming here and blogging all PollyAnna about how wonderful the children are and how great it is that the tulips are starting to poke up is just not me. I spend 8 hours a day putting on that game face for work, I don't want to do it online too.

So the bottom line is I'm still here, we're all fine, and I'm hoping to find that elusive balance between discretion and disclosure.

Memories of Manatee Beach

2006-03-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

IMGP7539
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

I got back from Florida on Tuesday, but I've been too busy getting back into my ordinary life to blog about it. I had a fabulous trip, perfect weather, the company of an amazing group of friends. The trip home was horrid but I'm making a concerted effort not to let that spoil the wonderful memories I've brought back.

I'll talk more about my trip once I'm done with my taxi-mom duties :)

Happy Birthday my little darling

2006-03-01T08:54:00.000-05:00

katiebday5
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

How fast 5 years have flown by! She's no longer a baby, nor toddler, nor even preschooler. My beautiful little daughter is 5 years old, happily attending school, speaking two languages fluently, learning to read and write. She's thoughtful, articulate, sensitive, stubborn and so loving.

We celebrated her birthday last night since today I leave for Florida, going for mom of the year there, and yes I have guilt. She took tiny frosted cupcakes with her to school today to share with her classmates. I hope they sing to her, and make her feel special.

Happy birthday Princess.

The big, bad, die cutter company

2006-02-28T10:15:00.000-05:00

How do you deal with bad customer service? Not just bad service, but horrible, terrible, awful customer service. Almost 3 weeks, several emails, 7 calls to California (including a 20 minute conversation JUST YESTERDAY) and still it's not resolved. I'm spitting nails, how can a huge multinational company stay in business with only 1 single employee dedicated to international customers, especially when that 1 employee appears to have no power, and no clue? I've heard 5 different stories, 5 different promises, and yet...

I feel like I should just give up. You know, once I get my money back that is.

Going to see the baybaaaay

2006-02-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

IMGP7410
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

With apologies to Jerry Seinfeld.

Katie is quite besotted with her new cousin, though she didn't ask to keep him or to have a new baby of our own. He is a little doll, two perfect dimples, and he slept our whole visit. How I miss the snuggly newborn stage.

Jonah didn't seem to care much about the quiet lump everyone else was fussing over, nor was he jealous when I held the baby.

Fountain of Youth

2006-02-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

While waiting for Katie to finish her ballet class Wookie tries out a water fountain for the first time.

waterboy
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

Sisterhood of the fat pants

2006-02-23T12:43:00.000-05:00

I gave up and bought the fat pants.

After 2 1/2 years it isn't baby fat anymore, it's fat, and it's here to stay. Sure, a change in medication, occupation and motivation would likely help but none of those things are happening anytime in the near future. And I was sick of coming home from work with tummy welts from too-tight waistbands.

They look good, fit well, drape nicely, but it's still a kick in the gut everytime I see the 13 staring up at me from the tag.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better these days, the antibiotics are doing their job and I can breathe and sleep and function. C on the other hand has just started antibiotics and is still in the 'kill me' stage of the illness. To top it off, Katie has impetigo and is also on the same antibiotics (and a $50 per tube cream as well). I swear we're keeping the pharmacy in business!

Oh, and 7 days 'til I'm in Florida :)

Wee new nephew

2006-02-22T13:27:00.000-05:00

119_1982_1
Originally uploaded by xerxia.

Isn't he darling? He was born early Sunday morning, but I haven't been able to visit him because Mr Jonah has had gastroenteritis.

Nothing like a new baby to make my ovaries ache.

Days of our Lives?

2006-02-17T09:03:00.000-05:00

Feeling better, kicking myself for not going to the doctor sooner since the meds are helping so much. My dad and uncle are (hopefully) coming up tonight, so we can skate on the canal and do some Winterlude activities, though the weather here is so weird I have no idea if the ice surface will be skateable or not :(

Speaking of words that aren't words I actually heard an interviewee on the CBC yesterday say "aggressivity". Aggressivity?? Do you mean AGGRESSION? I hate it when people try to "use big words that make them seem smarter" since they nearly always fail.

Jonah went to spend yesterday with his grandparents since the sitter had an appointment. What a difference in his behaviour last night: he wasn't climbing the walls, he could actually sit still to eat his dinner (and he wasn't absolutely famished either), then he was clearly exhausted in the bath so I tucked him into bed at 7:05 and didn't hear a peep all night. When I took him back to the sitters this morning he cried and said "no I go grandmaman house". Poor wookie. Our sitter is a nice enough lady, and the price is right, but it's just not a good fit for Jonah. She doesn't let him play outside, the only outdoor time he gets is sitting in a wagon when she walks to pick her son up from school. That's not enough for a high energy two and a half year old boy.

I have had in the back of my mind that we would put him in the preschool program at the same centre where Katie has aftercare once he was ready (they have to be 30 months old and potty trained, so we're 50% there) but I strongly dislike one of the women in the preschool room - she just seems so rough and angry with the kids. True, there's a language barrier there and I suppose she could be yelling lullabies, but my gut tells me she's not. It's much more expensive too, but the kids play outside every day, have crafts and activities, are read to and played with and there's no TV. Katie is thriving in the 4 and 5 year old room, I suspect Jonah would too. However, he doesn't speak French, and isn't as quick a learner as Katie (at least linguistically), and he tends to be much more shy and serious than his sister. Plus the extra money would be very difficult to find. So many decisions.

trippin' on the good drugs

2006-02-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

A trip to the clinic confirmed that it is indeed a sinus infection. 10 days worth of antibiotics and I should be good as new. I'm just grateful that I'm not a raging hypochondriac ;)

words to describe me

2006-02-15T03:34:00.000-05:00

Totally stolen from Maricar and Ambuh

Click me

Pick 5 or 6 works to describe me, then enter your name.

If you make one for yourself leave a link in the comments!

2006-02-15T02:44:00.000-05:00

I talked myself out of seeing the doctor earlier today, I didn't think I was sick enough to bother him. I am kicking myself now. It's 2:45am here but I can't sleep, the pain in my sinuses, face and head is unbelievable. It's entirely localised on the left side too, so the hypochondriac in me keeps thinking I'm having a stroke.

I'm not having a stroke.

But damn it hurts! And I'm sweating like crazy despite the fact that it's 17C in the house.

So what does a sinus infection feel like? I haven't had one in years, and I don't really remember. Are you feverish, does it make half your face hurt like you've been beaten up, make your soft palate ache, make your head feel heavy, make you produce copious amount of dayglow green mucous... but all of this on one side only, like you drew a line through my head right down the centre of the nose? If so, how does one treat it? The tea, ibu*profen, suda*fed, and more tea that I've been taking doesn't seem to cut it. And why is it so much worse in the evening and at night?

I'm seriously dragging my sorry butt into the doctor's tomorrow, even if I feel better in the morning (which is so hard to imagine right now).

blecch

2006-02-14T09:14:00.000-05:00

Dude what's going on with my health? I have caught every bug that's wandered by this winter. I went to bed at freakin' 4:45 last night! And I still feel like shit. I know, with Katie in school we're all going to be exposed to more viruses but the kids don't seem any sicker than any other winter, nor does C. It's all me. Hoover Dam I'm tired of it!

So, yeah, happy V day. Hope your days is less snotty and cranky than mine.

Who watches the watchers?

2006-02-10T13:52:00.000-05:00

Wow, taking a stroll through my sitemeter stats was really, really eye-opening!

Hello lurking family and family-in-law! You really should have commented during Delurking Week! Hi Maggi, I know, I owe you a letter...

And the person who found me by searching for "scorched cheese" all I can say is BAHAHAHAHA!

A meme

2006-02-10T10:46:00.000-05:00

Maria tagged me, and since I'm home sick today I have time to tackle it ;)

What were you doing 10 years ago? 1996 - I had just met C, just enrolled in college, and was raising an adorable junior kindergartener.

What were you doing one year ago? Same thing I do every day Pinky, trying to take over the world! OK, really I was working for the government and dragging through my life in a sleep-deprived haze.

5 Favorite Snacks: Lays Sea Salt and Pepper potato chips... Tim Horton's French cruller doughnuts... Humpty Dumpty party mix... does booze count? I could name 5 favourite boozy snacks!

5 Songs to which I know all the lyrics: Harder to name 5 songs I *don't* know all of the lyrics to.

5 Bad Habits: Chronic lateness (honestly this comes from having zero ability to estimate time or distance), potty mouth, messiness, procrastination

5 Things You Like Doing: Scrapbooking, cardmaking/stamping, reading, hanging out in my favourite forum and playing with the babes.

5 Things You Would Never Wear, Get or Buy Again. Gah, where do I start? I'll never wear anything "day-glo" again, BTDT. I'll never wear foot-warping shoes to be a fashion slave again. I'll never buy KFC again (OK I've said this a dozen times before, and you know in 6 months I'll have forgotten how shitty it makes me feel). I'll never get talked into doing something that doesn't feel right again

5 Favorite Toys My camera, my scrapbooking stuff, my stamps, my computer... man this list should have been 4s, I always get stuck after number 4.

Far from transcendent

2006-02-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

Will this week never end? We haven't slept a whole night yet, one or both of the babes has been awake at least once. Last night was completely weird: somewhere around 1:30am C suddenly sat right up in bed listening intently, then he jumps out of bed, I ask what's going on, he says he can hear Jonah crying. I'm hearing impaired but we have a baby monitor in the kids' room and I couldn't hear him through it. Turns out Jonah was crying - from the hallway closet downstairs. He was awake, and very confused! We think he might have sleepwalked and then woken up in the closet. None of my kids have ever walked in their sleep before so this is new territory for us. Guess the baby gates are going to have to go back up!

Over the past few days I've had conversations with 3 different people about active parenting, about why people chose to have kids if they're only going to sit idly by, watching Oprah or surfing the net, intervening only to settle a sibling dispute or make snacks. But I can't judge: while I normally love playing with the kids lately I haven't been. Lately I've been coming home from work, throwing some crap together for dinner and vegging. And it really shows, Jonah has been bordering on hyperactive, Katie has been super cranky, they're begging for my attention. I can use exhaustion, bad weather and work stresses as excuses, but none of that changes the obligation I have to these little people to actively parent them. Yesterday Katie wanted to paint, I said no though my only reason was I was reluctant to drag out the paints and easel, then deal with the inevitable clean up. How do you motivate yourself to get down on the floor and push cars around, or have endless Barbie weddings, when what you really want to do is curl up in bed with a trashy magazine, drink wine and lock the door?

My world is full of drips

2006-02-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

Nothing says Spring like a leaky basement.

Thankfully it's in the laundry room, not the rec room or pantry. I should be upset I guess but, meh, I'm not. I'm sure a tube of silicone sealant will make it go away for now.

Life here is crawling along, quiet and rather boring. I found out that I didn't get the job that I had been competing for since last May. I was the top finisher, but I'm not bilingual enough for the position (if they had mentioned they wanted a bilingual person at the outset I wouldn't have wasted my time). However they created an "eligibility list", so if they have an English only position come up in the next 6 months they can hire me without competition. Wow, thanks, 8 months of my life I can't get back in exchange for a piece of paper and a pat on the head. Could have at least bought me a consolation doughnut.

a rite of passage

2006-01-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

I got Katie's ears pierced.

I've always said that I would have it done when she was old enough to ask for it and to understand that it would both hurt and require a fair amount of care. I admit, I was hoping it would be another year yet but it was inevitable once she started school (particularly this school which is ethnically diverse and contains many girls who had their ears pierced in infancy according to cultural customs). She has been, well, for lack of a better word harrassing us for weeks to have it done.

And yes, she cried. Or, more properly, she wailed like a banshee.

Happy Birthday Wolfgang

2006-01-27T08:53:00.000-05:00

It's the 250th anniversary of the birth of Mozart. Radio 2 has gone completely mental and is doing all Mozart all weekend. Thank goodness I like Mozart :)

It is remarkable though to think that this is a man who was born 250 years ago and died young, is still incredibly well known today. If there's one thing that geneology research has shown me it's that in 250 years there will be virtually no trace of my life left.

2006-01-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

It's election day in Canada, polls are open, the "democratic process" has begun.

I don't usually talk politics, I have strong political leanings but they differ from most of my family, half of my friends and practically all of my coworkers, so I usually keep them to myself.

That being said, I have to point out what I've observed this past week and a bit. I live in Ottawa, in the Ottawa South riding that has been represented by the Liberal party both federally and provincially for aeons. My MPP is the premier of Ontario (Dalton McGuinty) the current MP is his brother (David McGuinty) and the former MP was John Manley. This riding has been a "safe Liberal riding" for longer than I've lived here. What's different this election? Blue signs EVERYWHERE. I don't mean the big signs that the party with the most money will errect on public land at intersections and playgrounds, no, I mean the small lawn signs that private citizens put up on their own property. Last election, just a year and a half ago, almost all of those signs were red. This year more than half are blue. The Conservatives are running a very strong candidate, Allan Cutler (the "whistleblower" of the sponsorship scandal), and it sure looks like a fair amount of long time Liberals have jumped ship.

Who will win Ottawa South? I predict a very close race. The Liberals have deep roots here, and the Liberal candidate actually lives in the riding, but will that be enough? I'm not so sure. Tomorrow will tell.

Snow glorious snow?

2006-01-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

So pretty to look at when it's fresh and white

But man what a bitch to drive in! We got 15+cm yesterday, I was shocked to call ballet and find out yes, classes were still running. So Katie and I were out driving in this. Thank goodness for snow tires.

I can't wait for Tampa. There's no snow in Tampa.

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-01-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

I'm leeeeeavin' on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...

Booked my flight to FL! I am soooo excited!!

I do, however, have guilt: I have to leave on Katie's birthday :( We'll probably celebrate the weekend before, but still, I'm missing the actual day (well, not the whole day, I can probably leave right after dinner and make it to my parents' in enough time to sleep perhaps 5 hours before heading to the airport). Guess I'll have to bring her back something special from my trip :)

Weeeeee.... winter getaway! Only 42 days to go!

blah, blah and some blah on the side

2006-01-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

I am so not a morning person. You would think after 4 years of working 7-3 or 7:30-3:30 I'd be used to the alarm going off at 5:30 or 5:45, but no, I still hit snooze a bare minimum of twice each and every single morning. I still laze around under the warm blankets dozing until the very last minute every morning. Is it biological? Are you born either an early bird or a night owl and condemned to be such forever?

Yesterday we had freezing rain with bus cancellations and school closures, so I stayed home with the kids. Got very little accomplished, but it was nice not to have to put on my game face. I don't have to pretend to like being home with the kids, unlike work. Today it's sunny, so no choice but to come in to work. I have though, managed to avoid most of my coworkers, the benefit to my office being a virtual isolation booth. If only I dared set up my scrapbooking stuff in here...

The entry in which I say both S&M and winky

2006-01-16T10:53:00.000-05:00

I swear I'd blog more if I could just stick a device in my ear that would automatically transmit my brain waves into my blog.* Because I think about blogging every day.

Life is life and is slogs along regardless of my participation level. I've spent the past week putting in the absolute bare minumum of effort. Two days of sunshine threaten to awaken my creative, motivated side, but I'm certain mother nature will throw more snow/rain/fog/dark at me again soon.

The kids continue being unbelievably adorable. Katie's ballet lessons restarted on Saturday, she makes such a lovely ballerina, tall with her long slender arms and perfectly muscled legs. She truly stands out in a room of chubby 3 and 4 year olds who look like pink sausages, squeezed into their leotards. I know those kids will shoot up this year and become lovely coltish supermodels in training too, but for now I can puff up my chest and boast about having the most beautiful child in the room.

Starting to plan my scrapbooking escape - I'm flying to FL in March to meet up with a bunch of scrappers, shop, drink, eat, take classes, drink, party, walk ont he beach, drink and generally have a good time. I've been reluctant to talk about it, not wanting to jinx anything, flights from Canada to Florida in the dead of winter are terribly expensive and knowing we can scarce afford it even in ideal circumstances I keeping waiting for some proverbial shoe dropping. A optomist? Why yes! But it's coming soon, and despite myself I'm getting excited. 15 crazy women, stamps, paper, ink and sharp objects: an S&M dream come true. <---there should be a winky guy there so you know I'm joking. We only use safety scissors.

Life, as I see it, for now anyway.

*actually, I doubt anyone would want an unfiltered look into my brain, so scratch that.

Delurking week

2006-01-11T15:05:00.000-05:00

According to "Paper Napkin it's "De-lurking week". So come out, come out, where ever you are and say hello!

Wintery days

2006-01-08T21:32:00.000-05:00

Was a perfect Canadian winter day today, not super cold, sunny but not "make your eyes ache" bright, just a great day. Took the kids sledding on a small hill at the park, Katie loved it, Jonah was a little afraid. He went down a few times but was much happier dragging his sister around on the sled instead. We checked out the outdoor rink that is supposed to be there - the boards are up, the lights are up, the trailer is there but no ice. Rots, it's so convenient having the little rink right there. I could take them to the arena at the comminity centre, but the skate times are limited and short and it costs $$ to get in. I could take them to the canal but it tends to be quite crowded, especially with teenaged Wayne Gretzky wannabes who zip in and out of the crowd and can easily send a pair of toddlers flying. So we'll see, I really want to get them out on skates next weekend.

Had stamp club today too, always lots of fun. Lately I've totally been neglecting scrapbooking in favour of stamping and cardmaking, but stamping is an expensive hobby! (OK, so is scrapbooking, and I have wads and wads of scrapbooking stuff that I neeeeeeded but haven't yet used. I did take advantage of PhotoLab's buy one digital print get the second free promotion and now have 60+ pictures just waiting to be scrapped. Soon I hope.)

Back to work tomorrow. Blecch.

Just rip out my heart while you're at it

2006-01-03T21:42:00.000-05:00

If I'm this teary looking at Katie just playing dress up bride, how much will I fall apart in 20 some odd years when the real deal happens?

Resolutions

2006-01-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

My dear friend Christine had a most fabulous idea: instead of making a list of resolutions Jan 1st to last all year, breaking it up into monthly resolutions (the idea being a 1 month commitment isn't as had to swallow as a whole year). In that spirit my resolution for January is to lose weight.

I put no number value on that, I just want to see the scale moving in the right direction. I will say though that I am now the same weight as I was full-term pregnant with Katie, which means I am nearly 30lbs over ideal. There's no reason for that. Yes, I've been stressed and yes, I am taking medications for which the major side effect is weight gain but 30lbs? My back is sore from the extra weight, my knee is sore from the extra weight, I get winded carrying the kids around because they're freakin' heavy, and also because of the extra weight.

So for January I'm going to make better food choices, eat smaller portions and move my butt more. We'll see how far that takes me.

The Year in Review

2005-12-31T23:10:00.000-05:00

In the waning hours of this year I'm looking back at the 12 months that have passed. While not exactly an annus horribilis, 2005 is not a year I'd be keen to repeat. There were a few ups, lots of downs and a whole lot of floundering helplessly.

February marked the start of my slide into the murky waters. It's when I really started to see how miserable I was at my job, the same job I'm still doing now some 10 months later. March and April marked even more misery at work but such incredible, vast improvements with Mr Jonah that it sort of balanced out. May was quiet, and marked my 33rd birthday.

June I took a big step out of my life. 5 weeks of stress leave, a couple of medical professionals and a whole lot of navel gazing about summed up June.

By July I was starting to feel better, or at least learning to cope better. The summer drifted by status quo.

In September my baby princess started school, and while there were some bumps she amazed everyone by picking up her new language incredibly quickly.

The fall brought work changes, a new boss, a new office, a new way of doing things. It didn't however bring a new attitude for me. I still hate what I'm doing, and I still can't wait until I can find something better. I spent most of the fall jumping hoops and wading through government hiring crap in the longest job competition ever. For awhile I was even excited about it. But 7+ months? If they called me Monday to offer me the job I don't know that I'd even be excited anymore.

Now December is closing and January is a breath away. Last year I resolved to be more loving and patient with my children. 2006 is about fixing me. Eating better, living better, feeling better.

Goodbye 2005, I'm not sorry to see you go.

Two gerbils, a wheel and a carrot.

2005-12-31T22:23:00.000-05:00

I absolutely have to learn to write this stupid code that keeps this stupid blog semi-running.

Happy Holidays

2005-12-23T22:23:00.000-05:00

We're leaving at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow for the 4+ hour drive to my parents' place for Christmas wheeeeeee! Hopefully our visit will go smoothly but I'm bringing booze just in case.

I won't be blogging while I'm gone because I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork than risk this url showing up in my dad's browser history :)

So I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a holiday filled with peace, love, and lots of good food.

PS - I gave my MIL her calendar tonight, she seemed to like it (though I'm never quite sure if she really likes my work or is in patronizing maternal mode). If you want to take a peek I've posted it here

unfiltered

2005-12-23T13:17:00.000-05:00

For me, the hallmark of a true friend is a person with whom you don't have to filter what you say. Someone you can say anything to, safe in the knowledge that it will never be used against you or held over you, that you'll never be ridiculed for it (good natured ribbing aside), knowing that they'll love you despite what you say (or perhaps because of it).

There are so few people I feel that way about, and almost all of them are too far away to drop in on for tea and crumpets when I need to let it all out. At Christmas time, more than any other time, I mourn the paucity of close friends in my life. Christmas, rife with stress, stifled by the need to be PC, pulled in so many directions by so many forces, Christmas is when I need my tea party. Or vodka party. Or Prozac party.

Funky inner hair colour?

2005-12-21T09:20:00.000-05:00

I'm not real sure where exactly my "inner hair" would be located, but...

Your Hair Should Be White

Classy, stylish, and eloquent.
You've got a way about you that floors everyone you meet.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

cookies!

2005-12-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

My little egg-breaker redeemed herself by baking me a mighty fine batch of cookies.

Did I mention I ate 11 of them?

She's becoming so articulate too, so able to express more subtle and complex concepts. She had a nightmare last night and was able to tell me this morning not just the nightmare (she dreamed that Jonah was attacked by a dog) but also the more subtle emotional subcontext "I tried to save him, people kept saying I was so brave, but I wasn't brave because he died". It's incredible to finally experience closer to the full depth of what's going on in her little head. She has an amazing intellect, her memory is phenominal and her emotional range is awesome.

These little people I've been blessed with, how did I live before I met them?

snow much fun

2005-12-16T09:39:00.000-05:00

We're up to our elbows in snow and more of the white stuff is falling. Because the department I work for is high in stupid quotient I dragged my sorry butt in here through the snow today anyway. Thankfully I drive a big van with snow tires, and was able to see above the sea of cars stuck in snow drifts.

I love my honey :) Last night he gave me the cutest little crystal-etched Christmas tree that sits on a flashing LED base (so that the tree glows alternate colours... yeah, that was a lame ass explanation, I'd better just take a picture) to make my office a little cheerier. Today he packed my lunch (as he always does, yes I'm spoiled and no, he's not for sale) and tucked in eggnog and clementines. He'll drag me into the Christmas spirit kicking and screaming :)

It's a PD day today in the French school board so Katie will stay at the after care program all day. They're having a little Christmas party, each child can bring one of their toys to share and they're having lunch and special snacks. When C dropped her off this morning he asked what they were having for lunch... turns out it's turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and all of the trimmings. C was about ready to take off his coat and stay! What a great program they have there, we really lucked out!

Still haven't taken the kids to see "Santa", they haven't asked but I feel like I have to anyway, one of those "expected" things. They have a gorgeous Santa set-up at Merivale Mall,, problem is that's not really close to my house. There's a santa display at the mall right across the street from me, not as nice but probably where I'll end up anyway. Maybe Sunday afternoon...

Tonight I hope to finish the baking I aborted last night when Katie dropped the last two eggs on the kitchen floor :) and maybe even wrap a few presents. We'll see...

Scrooge-dilly-icious

2005-12-15T20:56:00.000-05:00

The tree is up, the Christmas carols are pumping, there's eggnog in the fridge and presents waiting to be wrapped and pretty Christmas cookies in the freezer. Still doesn't feel like Christmas.

I think I have to let go of the idea that the lead up to Christmas will be anything other than torture, at least for a few more years. Oh I know that on the big day(s) I'll be happy - watching the kids open their presents, seeing my family and friends, being together. But the preparations, fuggedaboutit. Shopping is no fun when you're po', baking is no fun with two little egg-smashing "helpers", decorating is no fun alone. Add to that an evil teenager and a "less than satisfying" job (plus this STUPID STUPID 7 MONTHS RUNNING JOB COMPETITION THAT STILL HASN'T BEEN DECIDED!!!!!!!!!) and I am totally scrooged.

I did finish a scrapped calendar for the MIL, and got most of my Christmas cards out on time but everything else I'm just letting go of. The kids won't notice anyway, and they're all that really matters.

That skirt really shows off your gams!

2005-12-14T12:38:00.000-05:00

I love my pediatrician. No really, I LOVE my pediatrician! I have never, EVER waited in his waiting room longer than 5 minutes, not even once.

We arrived at 7:52 for our 8am appointment. I had barely gotten Jonah's boots and coat off when they ushered us in to an examining room. The nurse right away weighed and measured Jonah, wrote in his chart, then left. Literally 90 seconds later the doctor came in. You can tell doctors who have made children their life, they know exactly what to do, and they move FAST. He let Jonah play with his stethescope while he checked his reflexes, then let Jonah play with his reflex hammer while he listened to his chest. Head to toe exam - less than 5 minutes (or about the attention span of a 2 year old if he's drumming with a pair of tongue depressors). He took a little longer getting a really good look at Jonah's eyes, and he's pretty convinced that they're straight (phew). I was worried that he'd have the same strabismus issues that Katie has but so far that's not the case at all. We were back in the car and heading for a celebratory doughnut by 8:10. I LOOOOVE my ped :)

Jonah's stats are: height 36 inches, weight 33lbs (both right on the dot!), which is just under 50th percentile for height, and 75th percentile for weight.

I tried to take him Christmas shopping but that idea was quickly abandoned in favour of playing at home (less chasing involved). It was amazing to see how incredibly sweet and funny he is when he's not competing for attention with his sister. I think I need many more mama and Jonah days :)

Mama's little cross-dresser:

Yes, that's tissue paper on his head. Who knows...?

In China it's just called food

2005-12-07T08:34:00.000-05:00

I slipped on the ice this morning getting into my van at daycare and split my skirt right up to tastelessness. An unscheduled trip home followed. That about sums up my life lately, Mr Murphy has taken up residence in my psyche and is keeping me from being effective at anything.

It's nearly Christmas, a time of year I love but am about ready to boycott. The amount of stress we heap on ourselves to create some ridiculous illusion of holiday perfection is senseless. My mother is probably the only person who would notice if I didn't send out handmade Christmas cards (though really can I justify the money I spend on st@mpin' up if I don't at least make my own cards?) The time and money spent on baking homemade Christmas treats, making gifts, decorating (haven't actually started that yet) - time (and money) that could be better spent with the kids. I guess once people think of you as a crafty person there's an expectation that you'll wow everyone with your dazzling creations year after year. But I want out. I want to buy boxes of chocolates and drug store perfumes and gift cards.

This year the effort to make sure all of the family gets to see the kids over the holiday is almost overwhelming. Since the company that both of my parents worked for went belly-up they've been working menial jobs at about 50% of their previous pay, so my mom is totally bummed about Christmas. I don't blame her, even though I preach the "we don't need anything except to be together" mantra I know that even a simple scaled down Christmas celebration is still a financial drain. Plus their crappy retail jobs mean that they get barely any time off over Christmas. Since C and I are more flexible about that I've been contorting trying to plan our visit to them so that they'll get the maximum possible time with the kidlets. My mom keeps responding with "whatever" "well are you really sure you want to come" "what will you do on x day when I'm working", blah blah blah. That, unfortunately, isn't sitting well with the other side of the family who'd like to know exactly what our plans are so that they can make plans to see the kids too.

17 days until Christmas - I have less than 10% of the gifts bought or made, none wrapped, I haven't mailed my Christmas cards, I haven't decorated my Christmas tree, and I have no firm plans for travelling to see the family. I've only listened to my Christmas CDs once (and normally I adore Christmas music), I haven't had any egg nog (another favourite), didn't even taste my Christmas baking. I'm feeling really Scrooge this year and I'm running out of time to have a change of heart.

Ho Ho Humbug.

The acorn doesn't fall far

2005-12-01T12:15:00.000-05:00

I was never married to James' father.

We met the summer I turned 17. He was my first serious boyfriend, in time he became my first lover. My family and friends hated him, but I was undeterred. He was charming, popular, cute, with a serious bad-boy streak, and I was in love. He was constantly running afoul of his strict Catholic parents, it was inevitable that he'd get thrown out of the house. When he did, I moved with him. We were freshly turned 18, he was a highschool dropout, I was going to school part time and working full time to cover the bills. We lived in a series of crappy basement apartments, me covering the bills while he picked up work here and there, mostly as a DJ. I was pregnant within a few months. We talked about marriage, but never seriously. Even then I think we knew it wouldn't work.

I worked right up to my due date. D continued bouncing from job to job. Then James was born, and everything changed for me. I became a mother, my life centered around that baby and providing him with a comfortable and stable home. I went back to school part time when he was 6 months old, D was yet again unemployed so he stayed home with the baby. I'd come home at noon to find James parked in a playpen with a bottle while D slept, day after day. At night D would head off to a bar, either to DJ or just to party, crawling home in the wee hours.

I put up with it until just after James' first birthday. It was a difficult decision to leave, to tear apart James' family, but I had to do it. I worked hard to make a good home for James, to provide him with all of the love and security possible. There was always enough food but few perks or treats. For a time D visited James frequently, but eventually he found other things to be interested it.

D drifted in and out of his son's life, showing up with flashy gifts each time, then vanishing for weeks. I met a wonderful man, and after awhile I moved 4 hours away from D.

C was interested in being a father to James, but not in replacing D. He hounded D to stay involved in James' life, to be a more predictable presence, to call him weekly and see him at least on major holidays.

Years passed. D married and had more children, and suddenly wanted to see more of James. While I continued to struggle financially D was now flush with cash and lavished gifts on James. I never fussed, I always believed that James would remember who had loved and cherished him his whole life and not be fooled by all that glitters.

I was wrong.

Gawgeous babuh!

2005-11-24T20:57:00.000-05:00

Totally cool ego-boosting fun found at K8's blog...

Celebrity Face Recognition

You upload a picture of yourself, it scans your features and compares you with celebrity photos - then tells you which celebrity you most resemble. I uploaded this picture of me

And who does it say I look like?

Woo-wheee! Much better than who I was expecting...

Pride

2005-11-24T18:42:00.000-05:00

I'm so proud of my little Princess - after only a few weeks in an all-French school she was named "élève du mois" for "parler en français en tout temps et démontre une attitude positive envers les apprentissages". I know it's only junior kindergarten but it's nice that someone else sees how special she is too!

Tagged!

2005-11-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Angi!

2 names you go by:
- Mama
- Val (though I really, truly hate being called Val there are DOZENS of people who nonetheless call me that every stinkin' day)

2 parts of your heritage:
- mostly Irish
- Partly English (my family has been in Canada a loooong time though)

2 things that scare you:
- Becoming a young widow
- the thought of bad things happening to my kids

2 everyday essentials:
- Tea!!!!!! Every single day for close to 30 years!
- hugs and snotty kisses from my babes

2 fave bands/artists: (here's where you figure out I'm hopelessly behind the times)
- Colin James
- Eric LaPointe

2 favorite songs: (I'm in Christmas mode right now)
- The Halleluiah Chorus (from The Messiah)
- Carol of the Bells

2 things you want in a relationship (other than true love):
- Humour
- Support

2 favorite hobbies:
- Scrapbooking
- Rubber Stamping (I'm very much into stampin up right now)

2 things you want really badly:
- To get out of debt!!!!
- A bigger house with a bigger yard (see above for what I'd need to make that happen)

2 places you want to go on vacation:
- Florida, March 2006 (to see my ACP friends)
- Turkey (to visit my brother)

2 things you want to do before you die:
- learn to play piano
- see Ireland

2 ways in which you are a true girl:
- I hate bugs!!
- I love lip gloss

2 things you are thinking about right now:
- Worrying about keeping all of the families happy over Christmas (the balancing act is tough)
- Wondering why I haven't been called about that job :(

2 stores you shop at:
- Michael's
- Loblaws

2 people guaranteed to make you laugh:
- Jana (God she is funny!)
- an absolutely crazy but brilliantly funny woman at work (Natasha)

Fun stuff :) OK I tag Susie and Lauri

Still here

2005-11-18T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm still around but I'm too damned sick to do anything but complain about how damned sick I am, and I can't imagine anyone wanting to hear about that anymore :)

Will my head explode if I cough much more?

2005-11-12T18:25:00.000-05:00

Day 11 of this stupid cold. If only I could stick a hose down my throat and suction all of this fluid/gunk out of my lungs everything would be great but this old-fashioned coughing it up sucks ass.

Both babes have the cold too (I caught it from Katie, Jonah caught it from me) so the three of us have been hunkered down in the house eating popsicles and watching DVDs

Thursday was my last day in my cute bright corner office :( Monday I'll report to a windowless dungeon :( Half of my unit is moving to a new building, the other half stayed behind. Thursday we had a big goodbye potluck. Emotions ran pretty high, the unit has been together more than 5 years (I've been there 4) and lots of people I care about are staying behind. Still, change happens, and while I dislike my new office (and really change in general) I'm hopeful that I've left behind a lot of the things that bothered me about my job. Time will tell.

It's the little things that rip out your soul

2005-11-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

Katie and I stayed home together yesterday. We didn't do much, just had a mostly quiet day. After lunch we ventured over to the park to play for awhile. The air was cold, beyond the crisp of the past couple of weeks, the wind had that edge to it that says winter is just around the corner.

So mittens on and hoods up we strolled. Along the way we found one particularly beautiful young maple that still had almost all of it's leaves. It was a perfect ball of orange against the blue sky. We admired it for a bit, and Katie plucked some of the fallen leaves from the grass, then we continued along.

The park was deserted. Katie implored me to push her on the swings ("swings are my very favourite thing in the whole world" - how can you resist that?). I tucked her leaves into my pocket and pushed her for about 20 minutes.

It's amazing how soothing swinging is. I remember how much I loved it as a child, flying, utterly alone with my thoughts in spite of the playground commotion below, and I wonder if grown up offices would be so stress-laden if swinging for a half hour a day was mandatory?

Afterwards Katie and I were cold, so we walked back home to have hot tea and animal crackers, and play more inside. Just a quiet day, me and my girl, until the boys started coming home at 4.

Today I'm at work, in the cesspool of misery that pays my mortgage, looking out the window at a heavy grey sky and the bustle of traffic flowing down the main drag. But I found in my jacket pocket two beautiful orange leaves, a little dried out but still vibrant. And I can't stop crying.

The cure for gunk in your eye? More gunk!

2005-11-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

Katie has pink eye. The doctor says it's a fairly bad case too, lots of pus. She was fine yesterday! She wasn't awake when I left this morning but C didn't notice anything unusual. When I picked her up from school I knew. Her eye was puffy and gooey (I think perhaps the teachers didn't notice because her glasses were so freakin' dirty they couldn't see her eyes). Had to wait until after dinner to take her to urgent care. They prescribed fuci*thalmic viscous "drops". Obviously the doctor either has no children or has never used fuci*thalmic viscous because it's like trying to squeeze toothpaste into her eye! Tough to do while she's thrashing and screaming and swatting at me every time she manages to get a hand free. And I have to do this 13 more times!?!

Doctor insists that we keep her home tomorrow. C is on training and Jonah's babysitter won't take her so I get an unscheduled (and unpaid) day with Princess pus-y eye :)

So did this post make your eyes suddenly feel itchy, or am I a hypochondriac?

The interview

2005-11-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

I had my long-awaited interview for the longest job competition in history yesterday. I *think* I did fairly well (either that or I had no freakin' clue what they were asking me). They have 3 days of interviews, and 3 or 4 interviewees each day, so HOPEFULLY I'll know before long. I did get to ask them all about the position and OMG does it sound awesome!!! Busy, fast paced, almost cutting edge (as much as anything involving analysis and spreadsheets can be cutting edge). Beyond that it sounds like something I'd be a good fit for. So, crossed fingers/toes/eyes for me!

Came home afterwards and just dragged through the afternoon/evening, finally giving up and going to bed just before 8. I don't know why I am so worn out lately. I slept nearly 10 hours last night and today again I am dragging terribly. Could be in part stress I suppose. My office is moving to a new building in a week and a half, and even though the transition is going smoothly I tend to get stressed about changes. Plus I've been to the new building, and while most of our directorate will be getting open cubicles with huge windows and tons of natural light my office looks like a dungeon. A roomy dungeon, but no windows, no light.

OK enough poor me, it's mostly sunny and I'm treating myself to lunch out! There's a place nearby that makes great pad thai :)

Happy Hallowe'en!

2005-10-31T19:53:00.000-05:00

Hope you all got lots of candy :)

Goodbye DST!

2005-10-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

I hate daylight savings time. I am never happier than the last Sunday in October when we go back to normal sun-directly-overhead-at-noon time. The one really smart thing that Saskatchewan did was opt out of this ridiculous "gain an extra hour of daylight" daylight savings time thing. Seriously, apart from Americans (and Quebeckers) who really thinks we gain anything with DST? The American argument for extending DST another 2 freakin' months is that "it will save electricity in our offices". What kind of f-ed up working hours do they have? It's pitch black when I get to my office in the morning, and stays that way for over an hour. It's pitch black when C and Katie are waiting for the school bus. Sure, if your day doesn't start until 10 am then maybe DST is right for you. But my day - and the days of most of my friends and neighbours - starts sometime before 6 am and I'm sucking back coffee under the glare of fluorescent lighting before 7. So whatever electricity the late risers are "saving" by having the sun go down an hour later I'm using up trying to see my keyboard an hour before the sun rises. I'm not alone in this, I live in Ottawa which is largely a government town, and the vast majority of people here at at work by 8 am.

But it's all good now. What little winter sun we get will shine at the appropriate times. Good riddance to DST... for 6 months anyway.

Another silly quiz

2005-10-27T21:13:00.000-04:00

This just doesn't surprise me at all...

Which Fantasy/Sci-Fi character are you?

Of course I'm the pompous, smug, always right one :)

Project Porchlight

2005-10-24T21:01:00.000-04:00

It's pretty rare to see people interested in environmentally friendly initiatives in my neighbourhood, especially anything that has to do with energy conservation. Imagine my surprise to find an email about Project Porchlight in my inbox. It read, in part:

What we're doing is distributing a compact fluorescent light bulb to 50,000 homes in the Ottawa South area, starting this Saturday and continuing through November. The eventual goal is to put one of these in every home in Canada, with the resulting reduction in pollution being the equivalent of taking 66,000 cars off of Canadian roads. Substantial stuff.

How very cool! Their big community launch event this Saturday is just up the street from me!

We switched about 1/3 of our light bulbs for compact fluorescents last year (they don't work well in sockets attached to dimmers, and we have a lot of those, or in lamps with shades that snap over the bulb, and we have a lot of those too) and they're fabulous, they last practically forever! Haven't had to change one yet in a year of use.

Energy conservation has been on my mind a lot lately with gas prices soaring, winter coming and our house heated with natural gas. The one serious perk of this house is having neighbours on either side means less heat loss through the walls. We haven't yet had to turn on the furnace this season, despite several nights where the temperatures have hovered around zero. I'm hoping to get to November before having to turn it on. Just might make it...

Kibbles and bits

2005-10-23T19:28:00.000-04:00

You know those little things that are just to minor to make a trip to the doctor for, but are annoying nonetheless?

I've had this weird burning sensation on the back of my left shoulder for about 6 weeks now. Not constantly, but every day. It's often accompanied by numbness in my left hand (as it is right now) and occasionally by pain in my upper arm and elbow. What the heck could it be? "Burning sensation" is so incredibly vague, and it doesn't hurt. I should just go to medical school so that I can diagnose myself.

Still raining here, guess the grass will be lovely next Spring. I got to hold a brand new baby on Friday night (my friend and coworker Katharine welcomed her first teeny tiny little daughter Thursday) and for the first time in a long time it didn't make me long for another. Or sure, she's sweet, and she smells wonderful in that yummy newborn way, but after I got my fill of cuddling I was happy to come home to snotty toddler kisses and endless 4 year old singing. Part of me will always want just one more but I think I'm finally comfortable with the decision to stop at 3.

Oh, and I got a call Thursday for an interview for that position I tested for way back in August (the one I figured I must have totally f@#$ed up since I hadn't heard anything in so long). Interview isn't until November though, man the government is S L O W! Still, I'd really like that job....

Friday

2005-10-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

Halleluia it's sunny! I know the rain is coming back this weekend but I'm just so damned happy to have a day of sun (not warm sun mind you but this is Canada, and it is late October)

Big weekend of nuttin' planned, which in itself is wonderful because I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed with all of the things that needed to be done. Got a chicken in the oven and a new baby to visit at the hospital tonight.

Been working a lot lately, lots of transition coming up at work, and lots to do to prepare for it. Not that I'm doing all that much preparing, mostly just worrying and fretting :)

Not a canape to be found

2005-10-18T11:12:00.000-04:00

So we didn't win anything at the BIG RADIO PARTY, oh well, the guy who did win was thrilled and I had an evening out with my honey. I'm not eactly sure what I was expecting the party to be like but that wasn't it. It was held in a club in Ottawa called Capital City Music Hall. I can't quite decide whether it was "rustic" or just plain shabby (I'm leaning towards the latter) There was a hole in the bathroom floor as big around as a coffee mug that went straight down to the basement (I could see the floor beams, the light from downstairs), they had well over 1000 people crammed into this place, reasonably it could only be expected to hold half that. The line up to get in snaked 1 and a half BIG city blocks, then curled up a long flight of stairs and down a narrow hallway, it took more than a half-hour just to get inside! We stayed for the opening concert, which was LOUD but not bad, we left before the marquee act (The Matthew Good Band), we were just too too tired. Us old foagies can't be expected to be out past 7pm :)

I made 5 cool cards at the SU workshop I attended last Saturday, it was a lot of fun, and it was pretty interesting to see the range of levels (from people who could have taught the workshop themselves to people who had never used a rubber stamp before). It was amazing how groups of strangers quickly became collaborators, the faster people helping the slowers ones, everyone oohing and ahhing over each others little masterpieces. I'm glad I went.

Tomorrow Miss Katie has both a hearing exam and an eye exam. I suspect that she'll need a new prescription, and she definitely needs new glasses, her poor Barbie glasses are near the end of their lifespan. I know, you can't expect a 4 year old to make glasses last forever but they've been battered so much since she started school, it's mind-boggling! This time she'll have to make do with something from the "two pairs for $99" wall.

wassap?

2005-10-14T15:41:00.000-04:00

It's been so darn tootin' hard to find time to blog lately! Those people at work - they've expected me to WORK this past week! The nerve of them! But I'm off today so I have no excuse :D

Lessee, what have I been up to? Well last Saturday I went to a wedding reception at Camp Fortune, in the beautiful Gatineau Hills. We were due to arrive at 9pm, which made the drive up there quite interesting, it was overcast and mostly moonless and the canopy of trees that is so beautiful during the daytime is almost sinister in the pitch black, illuminated only by the high beams of our car. It was worth the drive though, Josee (who is incredibly crafty) had put together a reception that Martha Stewart would be jealous of - everything handmade and fall-themed. Handmade invites, handmade table signs, handmade placecards, handmade chocolates inside little handmade boxes. GORGEOUS!

Then Sunday I worked. More with this work stuff? After work we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving with C's fam.

Was lovely, and the kids played so well with their 18 month old cousin (Jonah kept calling after him "Eeeefin! Eeeefin!")

Holiday Monday brought a playdate with T and her little man. Again the kids got along SO WELL! It's so much more fun to do the playdate thing when they're not constantly fighting!

The rest of the week has been spent working, with a near constant drizzle coming down. Took a few pictires of the fall foliage at Hog's Back since it's likely to be gone before the rain is.

And today it was just me and the J-man. Sent Katie off to school (her very first school picture day, she chose her outfit herself)

then did a whole lot of nothing.

Tomorrow I have a stampin' up Christmas card workshop, woohoo! The Monday is the BIG BIG RADIO PARTY!!! More on that later :)

Why I love my kids

2005-10-08T09:23:00.000-04:00

Jonah was sitting quietly watching Robots when Katie walked up to him and said "I love you Jonah". He responded with "Uv you too Kee". Then she gave him a big hug.

I think my heart might burst.

in a nutshell

2005-10-06T09:17:00.000-04:00

There's just been so little worth mentioning happening lately. We're had beautiful weather, we're all tired but healthy, but we haven't been anywhere or done anything. I guess I should be grateful (a sort of 'no news is good news' mentality).

School still has its ups and downs for Katie, but generally she's enjoying it. When I picked her up Tuesday she said to one of the newer teachers "C'est maman" so obviously she's picking it up. Slowly but surely.

We've started having signifigant trouble getting Jonah up in the morning, and getting him to fall asleep at night (though he's sleeping so much better now overnight thankyouverymuch). I think it's a sure sign that he needs to give up the afternoon nap, the sitter is less sure (doubtless she'd be unhappy to give up that bit of peace during her day too). I wish I could change my working hours to let him sleep until 7, I know it would make a huge difference. Unfortunately that can't happen unless I change jobs (which is a lovely dream but the government hiring process is SO.SLOW. it may take until I'm 800 years old to get out of this department)

Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend but we're not going anywhere. In fact I'll probably be working at least one of the days. Oh well, double time, and I can use the money.

My boring life in a nutshell.

Writing's on the wall

2005-09-30T08:11:00.000-04:00

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout’ to fall,
When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way, yeh, yeh.

I tend to be superstitious - not in the ridiculous black cat walking under ladders Friday the 13th way, more a believing that things happen for a reason and that there are signs out there if your eyes and mind are open to them.

I had a dream last night (yes, I know, generally I'd rather have a root canal than listen to other people's dreams but bear with me), I dreamed that I was dying and I dreamed that a doctor friend of mine was the attending physician trying to save me. I used to work quite closely with this doctor but in the Spring I changed positions and she changed floors so now I see her only briefly a couple of times a week. Imagine then how odd it was that after dreaming about her last night she showed up in my office this morning at 7:22 with a tray of coffee.

Perhaps I'm being shown that I'm surrounded by wonderful people, if I just open my eyes and heart to them.

flies

2005-09-29T13:03:00.000-04:00

Death is everywhere
There are flies on the windscreen for a start
Reminding us
We could be torn apart

Damn I'm in a funk lately. It feels like the entire world is going to hell all around me, and my own little world is sinking too. I'm bummed about money, I'm bummed about my shitty job that I can't quit because I need the money, I'm bummed about how miserable Jonah's daycare situation is but I can't fix it because of money, I'm bummed that some of my friends are down but I can't do much for them because of money, I'm bummed because my house is too freakin' small for 5 people but I can't change that because of money, I'm bummed because my family is too far away and I can't see them because of money. Friends getting married, friends having babies and we're conspiculously absent because of money.

It's not the love of money that is the root of all evil, it's money - just money itself. I was far happier when I was making peanuts but doing something I loved, and somehow we got by just fine. Now I make nearly twice as much money, but I hate it, and I spent half my day wishing I could be at home with my kids (while spending 2/3 of my paycheque on daycare). Still we slide further into debt, we cut more and more corners, we deny ourselves not just perks but often essentials (I haven't had my hair cut since November, I haven't bought new shoes since 2003), we're so snippy and tired and damned resentful, our whole home is becoming a toxic cesspool of frustration.

My woes are so small compared to what's going on in the rest of the world, but somehow that makes it even worse, like everyone is having a sucky life, adds to my "why bother" mentality.

I'm just a freakin' ball of joy.

a little nothing

2005-09-27T17:03:00.000-04:00

Yeah I suck about updating lately (if only I at least had clean bathrooms to show for my absense). I just haven't felt like blogging much. I've been in a pretty foul mood lately, for no real reason. Tired, run down, and grumpy, way too snappy with the kids, content to hide in my bedroom whenever I can. Hopefully I snap out of it before my next Stampers 6 on Saturday.

I think things are getting better for Katie at school, I'm not sure that she's understanding much yet but she's pretty good at following along anyway, and she really seems to enjoy the after care program. She already has two little boys in her class though that she doesn't like, one who steals her glasses, one who teases her. Typical kindergarten stuff but it does make me sad... well that and it makes me want to tell them to leave my little baby alone hehehe. Jonah is, as I expected, a little lost without his big sister. Hopefully he'll adjust soon.

Nothing else really.

Four-and-a-half year old update

2005-09-19T15:13:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's an odd age to do an update but since Katie had her annual check-up today (our ped is a little strange) I thought I'd record her stats at 4.5.

Height - 40.5 inches
Weight - 38 lbs
Abilities: She can count past 30 in English and to 10 in French and Spanish (thank you Dora). She can do very basic addition (along the lines of 1+2). She knows the alphabet and can sound out small, familiar words (ball, hat, etc). She can balance standing on her head quite well (her favourite trick) and can do front rolls, full turns and all manner of jumps. Her speech is incredible, she has a huge vocabulary, lots of adjectives and amusing ways of describing things. She's lost almost all of her cute little Katie-isms :( (the exceptions? She still says earnly for only and yet's for let's). She has a prodigious memory, especially for song lyrics. She has quite the temper but also amazing perseverance. She has a wide variety of adorable expressions and she knows how to use them! It's very difficult to be angry with Katie for very long. She's charming and funny and sweet, and amazes me more and more every day.

Hayley

2005-09-18T09:09:00.000-04:00

I've belonged to a scrapbooking message board for over 2 years, it's a fabulous place full of wonderful people and I love it so much there. The message board was created and is run by a fabulous woman named Hayley of A Charming Place.

Late Friday night Hayley and her family lost everything in a fire. Since she and her husband are self-employed they lost not just their home but their livelihood too. My heart is breaking for them. They have 4 beautiful children (who thank God are safe and fine) who have lost their clothes, their toys, everything.

If you're the praying type please keep Hayley and her family in your prayers, they're going to need a heck of a lot of help. And if you can help with your wallet please consider doing so. At this point there is no trust fund set up (to my knowledge) but a member of our group is taking paypal donations. Please email me at xerxia at gmail dot come if you can help and I'll forward you what information I have. Every little bit will help. They're currently being sheltered by the American Red Cross and they're unsure of how much their insurance will cover.

Not so easy

2005-09-16T10:32:00.000-04:00

Tell me it gets easier.

Every day something has gotten screwed up or gone wrong with Katie and school. Yesterday when I picked her up she immediately handed me her glasses and said "can you wash these mama, they've changed from purple to black". You guessed it, they weren't hers. I handed them off to the daycare leader who promised she'd check with the teacher in the morning. C gets a call about 45 minutes later - they've located Katie's glasses (phew). And the ones she was wearing? They belonged to her teacher. So my far sighted daughter spent half of yesterday wearing reading glasses that she likely couldn't see out of, and her teacher somehow missed the fact that her reading glasses had gotten smaller and now had "Barbie" written on the side.

I feel like the worst kind of whiner. Honestly, I do expect bumps, I do expect mistakes and miscommunications and I'm not angry in the least. It's just that I am so wound up about her school, so frustrated with the language barrier, feeling so subpar about my parenting and my ability to be useful to her that each small mishap threatens to be the proverbial straw. C keeps telling me to relax, that no one is judging me but dammit I am judging me. I start getting stressed out every day even before 2 o'clock. By the time I actually get to the school at 3:40 I'm generally well into the throws of a panic attack. All of my carefully practiced French greetings have vanished, as have all of the teachers' names.

I understand that it's me, all me. Understanding does not make it easier.

The Great Canadian Blog Survey

2005-09-13T13:52:00.000-04:00

Take The Great Canadian Blog Survey. Why not? You have something better to do with your time?

Hello big world, here I come

2005-09-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

My baby girl went to school this morning on a big bus all by herself, and she didn't even say goodbye.

She was so excited and happy. We had some bus issues but C straightened everything out and they sent the bus back for her so I won't dwell on it (insert Zen breathing). She was making little friends even before the bus pulled away.

Her world will never be the same. She'll discover that there are people smarter than mama, people more interesting than mama. In a few years she'll discover that the opinions of those people matter more than mama's. For 4 and a half years I've essentially been her world, now I'll be but one person.

She'll continue to be my world. I'm so proud of you sweetie.

Life of the party

2005-09-12T08:54:00.000-04:00

I don't like crowds. I've always attributed it to being claustrophobic but I'm starting to wonder if it's part social anxiety.

We went to a big adoption party yesterday for friends of ours who recently welcomed a little boy into their lives. It was held at a small community centre and was fairly crowded, consequently I was quite uncomfortable (the fact that 90+% of the guests were speaking in French didn't help much either). What surprised me though was how miserable Jonah was. He's not much of a crowd child to begin with, the party was held over his normal naptime, and sucky mother that I am I broke the cardinal rule of taking your child places: never assume that there will be anything fit for their consumption. I only brought 1 sippy cup of water for each kid not realizing that there'd be a pay bar with beer and pop instead of kid friendly beverages. Poor kid was So.Freakin'.Miserable. I spent more time outside walking with him than at the party. He calmed down considerably when the food came out but he was still agitated, clingy, whiny and just generally not Jonah.

C thinks it's just the combination of tired/hungry, I hope he's right because I would hate to think I had passed my social inadequacies on to my children or was reflecting my discomfort onto them.

For the record Katie had a blast. That child is a butterfly.

Sorted out

2005-09-09T12:35:00.000-04:00

Katie's bus and daycare issues are sorted out, it took some arm twisting and schedule shuffling but it's all good now. We'll be paying as much for 1.5 hours of afterschool care as we did for all day care but what can you do? C will work later to be home in the mornings so he can put her on the bus, the on-site daycare centre at the school will keep her from 2:30 until I can get there at 4 to pick her up. They'll keep her PD days too so Jonah will be all alone at the sitter's. I'm a little worried about how he'll do without his big sister actually, they've never really been apart for any length of time.

C is more worried about Katie and how frustrated she's likely to be in an all-French atmosphere. This isn't immersion and they have a "unilingual francophone" policy (which is likely to be hard for me too but I can just nod and say "oui, oui"), he actually asked the caregivers if they'd give her a couple of English words if it's obvious that she's too frustrated. They said they shouldn't but that they would if need be. My only concern is that she'll be frustrated enough to not want to go to school, and that would be a terribly sad start to her school career. Still, can't put the cart in front of the horse so to speak, have to let her actually get to school and daycare before worrying about how she's coping.

Music meme

2005-09-04T23:14:00.000-04:00

Found this meme at Lisa's Blog. You are supposed to go here (bottom of page), find the top 100 songs from the year you graduated high school. Cut and paste the list, then highlight the ones you loved, cross off the ones you hated and leave the ones you have no opinion about.

1. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, Bryan Adams
~~2. I Wanna Sex You Up, Color Me Badd~~ (damn I hated that song)
~~3. Gonna Make You Sweat, C+C Music Factory~~
4. Rush Rush, Paula Abdul
5. One More Try, Timmy T
6. Unbelievable, EMF
7. More Than Words, Extreme
8. I Like The Way (The Kissing Game), Hi-Five
9. The First Time, Surface
10. Baby, Baby, Amy Grant
11. Motownphilly, Boyz II Men
12. Because I Love You (The Postman Song), Stevie B
13. Someday, Mariah Carey
14. High Enough, Damn Yankees
~~15. From A Distance, Bette Midler~~
16. All The Man That I Need, Whitney Houston
17. Right Here, Right Now, Jesus Jones
18. I Adore Mi Amor, Color Me Badd
19. Love Will Never Do (Without You), Janet Jackson
20. Good Vibrations, Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch Featuring Loleatta Holloway
21. Justify My Love, Madonna
22. Emotions, Mariah Carey
23. Joyride, Roxette
24. Romantic, Karyn White
25. I Don't Wanna Cry, Mariah Carey
26. Hold You Tight, Tara Kemp
27. You're In Love, Wilson Phillips
28. Every Heartbeat, Amy Grant
29. Sensitivity, Ralph Tresvant
30. Touch Me (All Night Long), Cathy Dennis
31. I've Been Thinking About You, Londonbeat
32. Do Anything, Natural Selection
33. Losing My Religion, R.E.M.
34. Coming Out Of The Dark. Gloria Estefan
35. Here We Go. C+C Music Factory
36. It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over, Lenny Kravitz
37. Where Does My Heart Beat Now, Celine Dion
38. Summertime, D.J. Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince
39. Wind Of Change, Scorpions
40. P.A.S.S.I.O.N., Rhythm Syndicate
41. The Promise Of A New Day, Paula Abdul
42. I'm Your Baby Tonight, Whitney Houston
43. Love Of A Lifetime, Firehouse
44. Fading Like A Flower (Every Time You Leave), Roxette
45. This House, Tracie Spencer
46. Hole Hearted, Extreme
47. Power Of Love-Love Power, Luther Vandross
48. Impulsive, Wilson Phillips
~~49. Love Is A Wonderful Thing, Michael Bolton~~
50. Rhythm Of My Heart, Rod Stewart
51. Things That Make You Go Hmmmm..., C+C Music Factory
52. I Touch Myself, Divinyls
53. Tom's Diner, DMA (I have no idea why I like this song)
54. Iesha, Another Bad Creation
55. Something To Talk About, Bonnie Raitt
56. After The Rain, Nelson
57. Play That Funky Music, Vanilla Ice
58. Temptation, Corina
59. Can't Stop This Thing We Started, Bryan Adams
60. I Can't Wait Another Minute, Hi-Five
61. 3 A.M. Eternal, The KLF
62. Time, Love and Tenderness, Michael Bolton
63. Saideness Part I, Enigrna
64. Around The Way Girl, LL Cool J
65. I'll Be There, Escape Club
66. Cream, Prince and The N.P.G.
67. Now That We Found Love, Heavy D. and The Boyz
68. Show Me The Way, Styx
69. Love Takes Time, Mariah Carey
70. Cry For Help, Rick Astley
71. The Way You Do The Things You Do, UB40
72. Here I Am (Come and Take Me), UB40
73. Signs, Tesla
74. Too Many Walls, Cathy Dennis
75. Crazy, Seal
76. I'll Give All My Love To You, Keith Sweat
77. Place In This World, Michael W. Smith
78. Something To Believe In, Poison
79. Wicked Game, Chris Issak
80. Get Here, Oleta Adams
81. Round and Round, Tevin Campbell
82. Silent Lucidity, Queensryche
83. I'm Not In Love, Will To Power
84. Piece Of My Heart, Tara Kemp
85. Real Real Real, Jesus Jones
87. Just Another Dream, Cathy Dennis
88. Everybody Plays The Fool, Aaron Neville
88. Strike It Up, Black Box
89. Rico Suave, Gerardo
90. Disappear, INXS
91. Groove Is In The Heart, Deee-Lite (I haven't heard this song since '91!)
92. All This Time, Sting
93. The One and Only, Chesney Hawkes
94. O.P.P., Naughty By Nature
95. Freedom 90, George Michael
96. I Saw Red, Warrent
97. Miles Away, Winger
98. Do You Want Me, Salt-N-Pepa
99. The Motown Song, Rod Stewart
100. Shiny Happy People, R.E.M.

What's truly shocking is how few of these songs I even remember. Where the heck was I? And why, for that matter, is there no Cure, Depeche Mode, Love and Rockets, Morrissey or the Smiths on that list?

I was cool in highschool! Wasn't I?

Hot air balloons!

2005-09-04T22:55:00.000-04:00

This weekend is the annual Gatineau Hot Air Balloon Festival which takes place in Gatineau, Quebec (just across the river, about a 10 minute drive). We haven't been in years because it's not exactly toddler friendly but I guess this year our house is on the edge of the flight path! Between about 6:30 and 7:30 more than 60 hot air balloons flew over my house and just west of my house. One even landed unexpectedly in the park by our house (the babes and I of course went to investigate, the boys spent the entire time glued to their computers playing their stupid video games)

A few pictures...

(Pardon Katie's outfit, yes she is wearing a t-shirt over a purple tutu)

Best laid plans

2005-09-02T12:13:00.000-04:00

Katie had her junior kindergarten orientation yesterday. She was up at the crack of dawn, dressed herself in her Easter dress and ballet slippers to be all ready for school. We convinced her to wear something else just in case she wanted to play on the school's playground, she thought that was a splendid idea. C took her to her new school, I think she'll do fine there. It'll be difficult for her at first since she doesn't yet speak French but it will come.

However C found out that her first official day has been pushed back to September 13th, a delay of only a week but a week that will be filled with tears since Katie really wants to go to school each and every day. However the delay turns out to be a blessing in disguise since we also found out her bus is totally FUBAR. In May they told us it would be just fine to have the bus pick her up and drop her off at the sitter's, yesterday - SEPTEMBER 1st - we find out they won't do it because her sitter - who lives less than 2 blocks away - lives ont he wrong side of the street and would therefore be in a different school district. Had we known back in May we would have signed her up for the afterschool care program that the school offers but now it's full. They put us on the waiting list as a priority case but really, who else would be stupid enough to tamper with their daycare situation the week before school starts? It's unlikely a place will come open.

I should be upset about this, I want to be upset about this, but I'm not. Oh, I'm annoyed, we're going to have to do a lot of running around to hopefully find a workable situation in the next week but I have this highly unrealistic and yet unshakable feeling that there's a reason for this. What it could be I have no freakin' idea, yet the feeling persists.

My baby girl with her humongeous school bag

So I guess we'll see what happens next. I may well wig out at the midpoint of next week if we don't have some arrangements in place but for now it's just a little bump.

Hopelessly addicted

2005-09-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

I am so hopelessly addicted to this game!!!

I knew I'd have to play until I got a high score :)

Fun! Wow!

2005-08-30T13:24:00.000-04:00

Damn this is an addictive game!

Oh this is better

Only took me 20 games to get it :)

We've got shoes, we've got shoes on our feet...

2005-08-30T11:33:00.000-04:00

I've been driving in a coworker this week, which is fine, it really isn't out of way, except that I'm not a morning person and she is. Mostly I've been successful in tuning her out but the discussion about shoes ("I have over 200 pairs, it used to be an addiction but I'm cured now, I've only bought 5 pairs in the past month") nearly sent me over the edge. I'm pretty sure I haven't owned 200 pairs of shoes in my entire 33 years on this planet. I haven't bought grown-up shoes in years (with the exception of flip flops, of which I purchased two pairs since they were 2/$5 at the GT) and I tend to wear my ugly, sturdy, hopelessly unfashionable shoes until they're beyond dead because I loath shoe shopping. It's such a perverse form of torture, the endless shoving of the feet into shoes who's size bears no resemblance to the number on the sole, the discussions about whether shoes should be "broken in" or fit comfortably from the moment you first put them on (which they never do), the mortgaging of my grandchildren's future that's involved in being able to afford these chunks of plastic and leather. I swear, if I could just carve my own clogs out of piece of wood I could die happy.

I signed up for life insurance yesterday too (I'm going to have that Greenwich Union commercial in my head all day now), I'm moderately young and healthy so a 10 year term is dirt cheap. The oddest thing though, they didn't want to take my blood pressure, weigh me or test my bodily fluids for mortal diseases - no, they wanted a chunk of my cheek to make sure I'm not a smoker. The insurance chick gave me a hard salt-impregnated sponge on a stick to put between my cheek and gum for 2 minutes. The salt dried out my mouth so that when I removed the sponge away with it came two sizable chunks of my gum! I hope they're not DNA profiling me - what if they discover I'm actually the Lindbergh baby? So now my darling husband has even more reasons to off me!

Sooooo tired

2005-08-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

Soooo tired.

Stayed up ridiculously late last night, SIL came over with the little one and the kids were having too much fun playing, didn't get Katie and Jonah to sleep until nearly 9 then I was trying to finish a scrap and make devilled eggs (for today's potluck at work). It was well after 11 before I finally climbed into bed and the alarm going off at 5:30 was oh so painful this morning. Oh well, at least I get potluck lunch today, woohoo!

All week I've been training a coworker to be my backup, and all week he's been sniffling and sneezing and congested. He assured me that it was just allergies (and it is allergy season here so I had no reason to doubt it) but today I woke up unable to breath through my nose and with what feels like a tennis ball stuck in my chest. This is not what allergies feel like :( Suppose he passed me an undisclosed cold? I don't have time to be sick right now, grrr.

Tomorrow is the big not-a-baby baby shower for my friend who recently adopted! I'm so excited, all of the girls are bringing their kids so we'll have 4 two year olds (all boys), 2 four year old girls and one almost-7-year old girl. I just know they're going to be unbelievably cute together! I have to confess though, I haven't bought a gift yet. I have a couple of things in mind but I just haven't had time to get out and get them. I hate leaving things to the last minute.

testing...

2005-08-23T12:07:00.000-04:00

Hiring practices in the government bear little resemblance to hiring in the real world. In the government instead of reading resumes and picking a few people to interview they check your resume and cover letter for specific keywords - if it contains those keywords you are invited to write a test (or often times 2 or 3 tests). If you attain whatever the baseline score for the test is then - only then - are you invited to interview. Needless to say a huge batch of decent people are weeded out right off the bat (because they don't know how to 'play the system') and an even bigger batch of absolutely unqualified people make it to the testing phase because they know how to pad their resumes with the 'keywords'.

I used to be bitter about it but I've come to accept that this is the way it is, and I've learned how to play the game.

Back in early May a government job was posted that I would be PERFECT for, doing what I am educated and trained to do, requiring experience and knowledge that I have and generally sounding perfect for me (plus it pays more than I make now). I went this morning to write the test and I was shocked at some of the people who were "screened in" to the test-writing phase: a couple of temp workers from my office who I KNOW are lacking both the education and knowledge required, a woman who couldn't figure out how to turn on her computer for the computer phase of the test, a man who would put his head down every couple of minutes and take deep, shuddering breaths like he was trying not to cry... I found the test challenging, a lot of the questions would be nearly impossible for someone to answer if they haven't worked in that directorate (I currently work in the directorate so those were easy) and some would be impossible for someone who hadn't taken the college program that I took.

I guess I wonder why the people running this competition didn't look a little further past the keywords before wasting countless hours of their time and the candidates time testing people who have no hope of passing the test? Not that it makes a bit of difference to me really, I am confident in my skills and knowledge and I don't need a smaller playing field to compete but the waste... well it irks me. Because I'm a taxpayer above all else, and this is ultimately my money being wasted running 4 testing sessions when 2/3 of the candidates were unqualified.

Or maybe that's just sour grapes talking.

Fun!

2005-08-19T16:17:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I met Lisa!!! First time I've met a fellow blogger in real life! Her new office is just down across the street from where I work, so we met in a neat Vietnamese restaurant (that I never knew existed) for lunch. It was awesome! She's so warm and funny and has such an interesting life. I sure hope I can twist her arm into getting together again (Tim Horton's - conveniently located right between us!). PS - sorry I made you late for court!

In the evening C and I took the kids to the St-Albert Curd Festival and got to meet our friends' new little son! He is so adorable, and they are so happy! We ate hamburgers, hotdogs and cheese curds, and cotton candy (which Katie and I adore, and Jonah is afraid of, silly little man!) St-Albert is such a charming little village, I could totally see myself living there, it felt so homey.

And this weekend? We have NOTHING planned! I am so excited, I'm going to sleep in until at least 6:30 (I hope!) and not get out of my jammies until noon! A day of sloth here I come!

Painted ladies

2005-08-16T09:19:00.000-04:00

The latest issue of a ladies magazine I subscribe to has an article about cleaning out your make-up bag. It talks about how quickly they "overflow" with all of the glosses and powders that we just have to buy ourselves. So I thought I'd clean mine out.

First I had to shake off the inch thick layer of dust. What did I find inside?

1 tube of marcella tinted moisturizer, SPF 15. Unopened. Purchased while I was working for SDM, 5 or 6 years ago.
1 cover*girl voluminous marscara (in black brown). Purchased in April for a retirees dinner we attended with the outlaws. Still 90% full.
1 pot of blis*tex lip medic lip balm. I don't know how old it is, probably only a year or two.
1 cinnabon flavoured lip balm. This is Katie's, she got it in her Christmas stocking. I hate cinnamon.
1 beautiful clin*ique brown eyeshadow. Purchased for my wedding. In 1998.
I unknown berry flavoured lip gloss. I think I bought it in college. All of the writing has worn off the packaging.
an eyelash curler. I own an eyelash curler?

I don't wear makeup, and apparently it shows. Guess I should at least buy a lip stick, just in case. Never know when I might get an invite to Buckingham Palace.

overheard

2005-08-10T12:33:00.000-04:00

Overheard standing in line behind two men at the local Zeller's:

"Has Tammy had her baby yet".
"No, they said they'll let her go until the 19th and then they'll seduce her"

A whole lotta nuttin'

2005-08-09T08:57:00.000-04:00

Haven't had a lot to say lately, work just saps my will to live. I try not to dwell on the rampant idiocy that exists in this office but I'm only partially successful. Days like today when one of the supervisors is floucing around the office in her stillettos shrieking and giggling about a concert (or something) she's going to tonight - well let's just say it doesn't do much for the morale of the people who are actually working.

C's brother and fam are up visiting, got to see them yesterday at the in-laws' which was nice, though I had even more trouble than usual dealing with the crowd scene and probably wasn't as plesant as I should have been. There's just no way though of explaining to the SIL that it's nothing personal without opening the Pandora's box that I'd rather not share with either side of the family. It's a shame really since she's a sweetie and I'd love to be able to confide in her. Instead I spent the majority of the evening hiding behind the kids and wishing I was at home.

Had a scare yesterday. The 107 steps - I swear they are the absolute bane of my existance. Walking to the car yesterday, loaded down like a pack mule with bags and kid detritus, Jonah tripped over a mote of dust and hit the pavement fairly hard. I ran up to him and set down all of the bags so I could pick him up. C started grabbing the bags while I checked out Jonah's booboos and comforted him but he didn't have enough hands to grab my purse and left it there assuming I'd see it. I didn't see it (baby-related tunnel vision?) and we walked away and drove off to work with my purse - containing every spec of identification I possess as well as all of the kids' ID, my cell phone, our digital camera, Katie's glasses, my chequebooks, credit cards, inhalers - sitting on the sidewalk.

The good news is that a neighbour found it, found my SIL's number in my cell phone and reached us. But in the two hour interim I was very near hysterics.

You know, I didn't even give my good samaritan a reward... probably would have been insulting to give him the $1.35 in cash my purse contained anyway. He did rather restore my faith in humankind. Like C said, all of the dishonest people must still have been in bed at that time of the morning. I'm just grateful that it all turned out OK.

***And congrats Niki on the house!!! I'm just thrilled for you!

merde

2005-08-04T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dead van. Again. At least a week and a half driving the sweatmobile while waiting for our mechanic to come back from his ill-timed vacation (how dare he take time off!) My dad once tried to convince me to keep car problem in perspective but when you're stranded in Gloucester in 41C weather with two cranky toddlers car trouble seems like a very big deal indeed.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

2005-08-02T10:02:00.000-04:00

Another long weekend at the cottage, the city always seems so loud and heavy after being away for awhile. Fabulous weather, nothing to do, when can I retire and live that way all of the time? True the ferries were so packed that it added a collective 2 1/2 extra hours to the drive but it was worth it (and besides, tim bits and ice cream make the time go by so pleasantly!)

cool girl

cutie pie

art-shot/self portrait (hey, who else is going to take pictures of me?)

Papa's girl

Only one more long weekend left :( As much as I complain about the heat I'll sure miss it when the snow comes back.

??!!??

2005-07-28T13:53:00.000-04:00

Ok what can I put on my shoulders now that they feel like shoe leather??

Crafty

2005-07-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple of the cards I made at the SU open house:

Here and here

I ordered the Letterpress alpha (it's huge like the MM foam alphas but it's wood mounted rubber) and I *cough* joined her stampin' 6 club. Hehehe so much for spending less money. Really though, I had a blast, it was a great group of women and now I'll be out of the house for something other than work once a month. It's a good thing all around, right?

Flaming

2005-07-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

I am so stupid.

Why do we slather the kids in sunscreen but ignore ourselves? A few hours at the beach yesterday and now you could fry an egg on my shoulders. I'm already the poster child for skin cancer, you'd think I'd have learned by now. Alas, evidently I have not so I'm sentenced to a few nights trying to figure out how to sleep without any portion of my upper torso making contact with the sheets.

This is not photoshopped, that's the actual colour of my skin. Gross. Can hardly wait until I start peeling.

Good Morning!

2005-07-23T10:38:00.000-04:00

Finally the S*ears portrait studio has developed an ounce of common sense! I called to book an appointment for Jonah and asked for "the first appointment of the day" (since Jonah is a morning person and doesn't like to wait. She said OK that's 8:15. 8:15!! In the old days their first appointment was 10, and by then the kids are halfway to crankyville. We went this morning - at 8:15 - and it was AMAZING! The place was empty, the phone wasn't ringing off the hook and Jonah was in a fabulous mood. She got 10 amazing pictures in less than 15 minutes! And - because I wasn't stressed from trying to keep a cranky child occupied during a half-hour wait - I bought 8 of them. Worked out well for both sides wouldn't you say? Sucks that I have to wait until August 10th to get them but oh well, they'll be worth it.

Today I'm off to a S*tampin' Up! open house, my first. Should be fun, I only wish I could order tons of cool stamps but after blowing a wad at S*ears I'd better keep a lid on stamp purchases! Hope the make-and-takes are cool. Plus I get to spend the afternoon with a girlfriend and no little ones, which is a rare thing.

I love weekends!

Happiness

2005-07-22T10:35:00.000-04:00

Finally.

My friend has been waiting so long to become a parent, she's been so optimistic and so good natured through all of the long roads, dashed hopes and disappointments. Today - today she got "the call". And next week she'll meet the baby who will call her maman.

I think my heart might burst.

How I long for sleep

2005-07-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

Why is wookie not sleeping? I spent 5 weeks at home on leave, he slept all but 3 of those nights. I went back to work July 11th, he was awake all 5 nights of that first week. He slept through both weekend nights and now, Thursday, he's been up every night tis week. What is going on?? What is he trying to tell me?

My gut says the issue is daycare. Comparing notes with the sitter his schedule is more or less the same (eats at the same times, naps at the same times). C figures perhaps he isn't getting good quality naps there because of the other kids making noise, and that seems reasonable. A coworkers of mine (a Super Nanny officionado apparently) says he needs to be up at night to spend time with me that he doesn't get during the day. Yeah, OK, I could buy that though the quality of the time I spend with him at 3am is questionable.

I came back to work believing that I could cope but that coping depended on being well rested. I have used up all of my sleep buffer and am back into serious sleep debt. No one benefits when I'm bitchy from lack of sleep.

Weather the weather

2005-07-18T10:19:00.000-04:00

I hate complaining about the weather because everyone is living with this strange hot humid weather right now (well, maybe not the Australians) but really, enough with the humidity already, I think I'm growing gills!

I feel like posting a photo entry today :)

Took the kids to Hog's Back on Saturday to feed the ducks (and apparently the shithawks)

Then we walked over to Mooney's Bay. I hadn't brought swimsuits for the kids because the beach was under an advisory (high bacterial levels) and I didn't really want them to swim in that (not that I have *that* much to worry about - neither is confident enough to get their face wet so the odds of them getting water in a mucous membrane is slim), but once we were there Katie really wanted "just to get (her) piggies wet and not get (her) clothes wet at all". Katie's version of just getting her feet wet:

Crazy kid, but it was so hot I can't say I blame her! Then of course little "monkey see, monkey do" had to follow...

Was quite the walk back with two fully clothed and dripping wet kidlets, we got lots of looks. But, eh, who cares really. It's only water.

Oh Baby!

2005-07-17T21:00:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Maria on the birth of her new baby girl! I'm so jealous, I can't wait to see pictures!

drowning

2005-07-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

My first day back at work yesterday went as well as could be expected, no one exploded, the world didn't come to an end, the sky didn't fall.

Today though - today I am every single bit as stressed out as I was when I left 5 weeks ago. The bullshit, the fucking cesspool of incompetency, nepotism and attitude, it's all still here, and it's worse than ever. I pretty much used up all of my new coping skills yesterday. People keep telling me ignore it, don't let it bother you, blah blah blah but they're not here. They don't know what it's like here.

So offer up - what should I do? I have applied for more than a dozen internal jobs but hiring in the public service is sooo..slooooow. I can't take more time off without risking losing my house (which may not be any great shakes but it's sort of nice to have walls and a roof and it's cheaper than renting in this city). I can't throw people out of the windows because they don't open. I can run but I can't hide. I'm out of ideas.

an update

2005-07-09T21:38:00.000-04:00

We've been on vacation. We didn't go far, just to the cottage, and we went with another family so it wasn't exactly peaceful but it was wonderful just the same. The kids spent 5 days outside, almost all day, every day. They swam, they ran around, they picked wildflowers, they swam some more. The little ones especially just look so good - so alive! Even through an SPF 50 Katie has tan lines (I didn't even know she tanned, I assumed she'd be a burner like me) but she's overcome her fear of water, happily wading into the lake up to her armpits (she still doesn't like getting her face wet, but one step at a time).
It was heartbreaking to come home. Here in the city they just don't spend as much time outside. Our yard is TINY, and it's not fenced. It's bordered by a private sidewalk that is supposed to be just for the use of the condo complex but in reality the entire neighbourhood uses it as a short-cut, so it's fairly busy. The nearby park is often overrun with teenagers who have nothing to do - so they sit up on the jungle gym and smoke and swear. Actually going anywhere with the babes is exhausting, I like taking them to Mooney's Bay or Hog's Back to feed the ducks but the effort of packing up cups/snacks/diapers/the assorted crap they need, getting them into the van, carseated, driving there, parking, getting them out of the van, running around awhile then doing everything again in reverse - well it's daunting. And the sitter must feel the same since she never takes them anywhere (she seldom even takes them out to her fully-fenced-but-damned-noisy yard). I really need to move out of the city.

My leave is officially over and I'm going back to work on Monday, against the reccomendations of the health care professionals I've been seeing. I simply have no choice. I have exhausted all of my sick leave (and then some) and we can't make it without my paycheque. I'm grateful for the time I did have, especially for the opportunity to spend so much time with the babes. I've learned some new coping strategies and I'm going to give it my best shot. I don't know what will happen since all of the things that pushed me over that proverbial edge 5 weeks ago are still there, but I'll take it one day at a time.

If that doesn't work there's always booze :)

Today James and I (and my coworker T and her DH) spent the day as volunteers at the HOPE volleyball tournament. The weather turned out to be much better than expected and four very deserving charities (including one dear to the heart of a good friend of mine) received a great financial boost. Here's T and I in our volunteer shirts (forgive the retarded look on my face, it was after our shift and I was a bit sun-loopy)

So many changes coming in the near future. Hope we make it.

Fun!

2005-06-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

numbers

2005-06-29T13:37:00.000-04:00

Being poor - or most specifically being terrible with what money and/or credit you have - is evidently a license for businesses to treat you like shit. It seems if you have a less than perfect credit report then you're no longer human.

We needed to renegotiate our mortgage, we're at the end of its term. We were hoping to incorporate a rather high-interest loan into the mortgage. We have lots of equity in the house, and have never missed or been late on a mortgage payment. Didn't matter a whit to the bank. The person we saw jerked us around FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH then said that the bank wouldn't do it and referred us (well really sent all of our information to without telling us) to a mortgage broker friend of his. It's just gone downhill since then. I won't bore you with the details but we first set foot in the bank on May 1st and we finally signed with a trust company (at a ridiculous interest rate) today. We forked out $267 for an appraisal that took more than 2 weeks to complete, $1000+ for a lawyer we never - not once - even saw (everything was done by his assistant, who was frankly a few monkeys short of a barrel "What's this 'CAPONE' on your credit report?" "It's short for CAPital ONE" "No, it says CAPONE, is that Italian" "Yes, we're in the mob [insert eye rolling]") a whopping $4500 "application fee" to the trust company and close to $1000 in other fees to various other places.

I am sick to death of the bullshit. I'm sick of being nothing more than a number. It occurs to me that the few things I truly care about are portable, why do I stay in this house/city/country anyway? The temptation to drop everything, to walk away from the nonsense, from the stress, from the heartache - to just take my little family and go someplace far away and start over again - well it's nearly overwhelming. It's a child's fantasy I know.

Back

2005-06-27T07:34:00.000-04:00

Back from the depths of Southern Ontario. Had a nice visit with the 'rents, got to spend a whole day with one of my oldest friends and her family, took the kids nature walking through a conservation area (baby swans!), to the beach (goose poo!), and to the annual GM picnic (inappropriately dressed women!). The babes had a fabulous time, they always get spoiled senseless at the grandparents' house. They were awesome during the 4+ hours driving each way too which was such a blessing. I enjoyed myself, I truly did, but I found the weekend really ramped up my anxiety level. Boy it is just so much easier hiding in my house than having to wear the game face 18 hours a day. The big boys had lots of fun in our absense, I think they were disappointed to see us return since it meant the end of silence (and the beginning of toddleropoly of the DVD player). Pics to follow once my lazy @$$ unpacks.

A book meme

2005-06-25T09:07:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by Lisa

1. Total Number of Books Owned: Wow - well over 500 anyway. We'd have more too if we had a bigger house

2. Last Book Bought: The Life of Pi by Yann Martel

3. Last Book Read: The Dark Tower (Book 7) by Stephen King (I waited 20 years for THAT???)

4. Five Books that mean a lot to me: Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Was there a single girl who was not profoundly affected by this book?
The Gate to Women's Country by Sheri Tepper. Very thought provoking (though my take was quite different than the person who wrote that amazon review). Still resident in certain brain cells, I find myself thinking about it often even though I haven't read it in more than 10 years.
The Chrysalids by John Wyndham. Say what you will, I LOVED that book! If you were forced to read it in 12th grade English you might not agree but I read it on my own in my early teens (and again in my 20's) and found it very affecting.
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. A classic, glad I first read it before my children were born, it truly changed my perspective on womanhood.
The Stand by Stephen King. One of the major reasons I chose health sciences as a career.

OK so I tag Maria and Susie ('cause they're so smart :) )

Wisteria fields very fine in Autumn

2005-06-22T07:54:00.000-04:00

Seen at Lisa's Blog

My japanese name is 藤原 Fujiwara (wisteria fields) 千秋 Chiaki (very fine in autumn).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!

and

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability.
You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea.
Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion.
You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone.
If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?