disappointment
C and I were supposed to have a little escape tonight, nothing fancy, just an hour and a half at our local pub's roast beef dinner night, just a few blocks from here with James watching the babies. When I went up to have a quick shower and make myself presentable I asked James to keep an eye on the babies, and by the time I had finished my shower (10 minutes later) Jonah had demolished a loaf of bread while James watched cartoons, completely unaware. He's a good kid, but still too young to be entrusted with the kids.
I'm bitterly disappointed. Not only about missing out on a small piece of alone time with my husband but because I've lived in Ottawa 9 years now, and in this house 7 years, and I have no friends who I could call to watch the kids. My inlaws are both over 70, my parents live 4 hours away, my brother on another continent. There are very few teens in my neighbourhood (and I can't afford to pay for a sitter and dinner anyway). There's just no one I can call when I need help. I'm not exactly a loner but somehow I've been unable to make very many friends here, certainly not many I can call in a pinch. Which means that not only do I have no one to call to help, I have no one to call and cry about my bummer of an evening. Or my bummer of a life lately.
Surely making friends is easier when you're an adult, when it no longer matters if you have the latest clothes, the right hair, or listen to the right music? Why are all of these grown up things so damned impossible for me to master?
I can't emphasize how much I need - no WE need - some help. We're so damned tired, neither of us has slept a whole night in more than 2 months. Jonah is super cranky in the evenings (I guess because he's tired) and super cranky in the mornings (from being awoken before he's had enough sleep because he's awake half the night) so it feels like he cries all the damn time. We're short with him because we're so freaking sick of listening to him scream, then we're short with each other because we're frustrated, we're worn down and we're so damned isolated. It really feels like lately the only way we communicate at all is by sniping at each other. Our conversations revolve around how broke we are, whether Jonah has something wrong with him, how the hell to deal with James and his teenaged attitude. Once the kids are finally in bed we spend that precious hour before we collapse into bed and near instant sleep apart - him in front of the TV, me at the computer or at my desk crafting. The little things we used to do together are just a memory, lost in the haze of this continued existence, for we don't really live anymore.
I'm bitterly disappointed. Not only about missing out on a small piece of alone time with my husband but because I've lived in Ottawa 9 years now, and in this house 7 years, and I have no friends who I could call to watch the kids. My inlaws are both over 70, my parents live 4 hours away, my brother on another continent. There are very few teens in my neighbourhood (and I can't afford to pay for a sitter and dinner anyway). There's just no one I can call when I need help. I'm not exactly a loner but somehow I've been unable to make very many friends here, certainly not many I can call in a pinch. Which means that not only do I have no one to call to help, I have no one to call and cry about my bummer of an evening. Or my bummer of a life lately.
Surely making friends is easier when you're an adult, when it no longer matters if you have the latest clothes, the right hair, or listen to the right music? Why are all of these grown up things so damned impossible for me to master?
I can't emphasize how much I need - no WE need - some help. We're so damned tired, neither of us has slept a whole night in more than 2 months. Jonah is super cranky in the evenings (I guess because he's tired) and super cranky in the mornings (from being awoken before he's had enough sleep because he's awake half the night) so it feels like he cries all the damn time. We're short with him because we're so freaking sick of listening to him scream, then we're short with each other because we're frustrated, we're worn down and we're so damned isolated. It really feels like lately the only way we communicate at all is by sniping at each other. Our conversations revolve around how broke we are, whether Jonah has something wrong with him, how the hell to deal with James and his teenaged attitude. Once the kids are finally in bed we spend that precious hour before we collapse into bed and near instant sleep apart - him in front of the TV, me at the computer or at my desk crafting. The little things we used to do together are just a memory, lost in the haze of this continued existence, for we don't really live anymore.
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