drifting

Thank you for all of your kind words.

I've been avoiding blogging, I was expecting to come back after a couple of days to say "hey, I'm all better now, a little unscheduled vacation and now I'm ready to dive right back in", but it hasn't happened like that. I expected that simply admitting I was in over my head would be enough, that I would feel so relieved to unburden myself I would magically be restored.

Instead I've felt anxiety like nothing I've ever experienced before. I shake like I have the DTs, I have trouble concentrating on even the simplest of things, my heart races if I even think about work. At the same time there's the strangest disconnect between me and the rest of the world, like I'm wrapped up in a big piece of gauze: I see and hear everything that's happening but it doesn't seem 'real'.

I met with "someone I can talk to". She seems nice, sensible, crunchy. I'll spend an hour a week with her for now. She didn't want to make any judgements after only spending a single hour together but she did say that she doesn't think 4 weeks will be enough time away from work, and that it's likely if I went back to the same cesspool I'd just end up right back where I am now. I haven't started to think yet about what that means to my family, who depend on my income. Once I start thinking a little more clearly there will doubtless be many deep, tear-filled conversations about our future and about finding balance.