Ridin' the Stress Train
I'm an internalizer, I take all of the stresses I encounter, bunch them up into a tight little ball and shove them down deep as I can. And for the most part this really works. Sure, there's the two or three times a year that the dam bursts and I have a huge migraine and a two day crying jag but it buys me more than 11.5 high functioning months a year.
Sounds stupid doesn't it? Sadly it's true, and when it comes to workplace stress I feel like the dam is damned near breaking.
Why does the workplace have to be dictated by workplace politics? Or specific to my workplace why do policies have to be written and rewritten at the whim (or cowardice) of my boss?
"You have to approve this case, and all cases like it"
"But it's a fraudulent claim, I've outlined my research for you, it's clearly fraud"
"Yes but I'm too chicken shit to deal with the asshole who committed the fraud so I'd rather stand around flushing buckets of the public's cash down the toilet".
Perhaps that's mildly paraphrased but it's frighteningly accurate. I haven't been a public servant long enough to be comfortable wasting money this way (it is after all MY MONEY, I'm still a taxpayer here!) and even though I am one teeny tiny amoeba in the cesspool of government I stress BIG TIME about these issues. C keeps reminding me that there is only so much I can do but I get so upset! This department is so pathetically badly run to begin with and it's managed by a person with no real clue. They nickel and dime legitimate claims TO DEATH yet they throw money at blatant fraud. It INFURIATES me. But really what CAN I do? Even bitching about it here is borderline since there are privacy rules dictating what I can and can't say about my department and the stupid asses who run it. So I stress and stress, and I get light headed and nauseous, and weird spots swim in front of my eyes, and my hands shake so badly that I can scarcely type.
I think I'm headed for a nervous breakdown but I have no way of getting off this train. This job pays well (very well for my field) and it has good benefits. Most civil servant (rightfully) have a reputation for not giving a damn, for coming in, occupying an ergonomically correct chair for 7.5 hours and then going home without ever doing anything of use. How do I learn to be like that? How do I learn to abandon work ethic and responsibility?
Sounds stupid doesn't it? Sadly it's true, and when it comes to workplace stress I feel like the dam is damned near breaking.
Why does the workplace have to be dictated by workplace politics? Or specific to my workplace why do policies have to be written and rewritten at the whim (or cowardice) of my boss?
"You have to approve this case, and all cases like it"
"But it's a fraudulent claim, I've outlined my research for you, it's clearly fraud"
"Yes but I'm too chicken shit to deal with the asshole who committed the fraud so I'd rather stand around flushing buckets of the public's cash down the toilet".
Perhaps that's mildly paraphrased but it's frighteningly accurate. I haven't been a public servant long enough to be comfortable wasting money this way (it is after all MY MONEY, I'm still a taxpayer here!) and even though I am one teeny tiny amoeba in the cesspool of government I stress BIG TIME about these issues. C keeps reminding me that there is only so much I can do but I get so upset! This department is so pathetically badly run to begin with and it's managed by a person with no real clue. They nickel and dime legitimate claims TO DEATH yet they throw money at blatant fraud. It INFURIATES me. But really what CAN I do? Even bitching about it here is borderline since there are privacy rules dictating what I can and can't say about my department and the stupid asses who run it. So I stress and stress, and I get light headed and nauseous, and weird spots swim in front of my eyes, and my hands shake so badly that I can scarcely type.
I think I'm headed for a nervous breakdown but I have no way of getting off this train. This job pays well (very well for my field) and it has good benefits. Most civil servant (rightfully) have a reputation for not giving a damn, for coming in, occupying an ergonomically correct chair for 7.5 hours and then going home without ever doing anything of use. How do I learn to be like that? How do I learn to abandon work ethic and responsibility?
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