Jonah slept last night and it's amazing how much less bleak my outlook is when I'm functioning on a full 7 hours. It's the first time this year. He was actually pretty sweet this weekend, no screaming, no real tantrums. I'm confused, the sitter says he's good as gold when he's there, and for the most part he's really good on weekends too, but weekday morning and evenings are nothing but shrieking and fits. My gut tells me it's his way of telling us that he's not happy with his situation, but what part is he unhappy with? If he's not happy with the sitter then why isn't he having tantrums there? And if he's not happy having to come back home - well then why is everything wonderful on the weekend? And why can't this child talk yet??? It would be so much easier if he could just TELL me why he's miserable!

disappointment

C and I were supposed to have a little escape tonight, nothing fancy, just an hour and a half at our local pub's roast beef dinner night, just a few blocks from here with James watching the babies. When I went up to have a quick shower and make myself presentable I asked James to keep an eye on the babies, and by the time I had finished my shower (10 minutes later) Jonah had demolished a loaf of bread while James watched cartoons, completely unaware. He's a good kid, but still too young to be entrusted with the kids.

I'm bitterly disappointed. Not only about missing out on a small piece of alone time with my husband but because I've lived in Ottawa 9 years now, and in this house 7 years, and I have no friends who I could call to watch the kids. My inlaws are both over 70, my parents live 4 hours away, my brother on another continent. There are very few teens in my neighbourhood (and I can't afford to pay for a sitter and dinner anyway). There's just no one I can call when I need help. I'm not exactly a loner but somehow I've been unable to make very many friends here, certainly not many I can call in a pinch. Which means that not only do I have no one to call to help, I have no one to call and cry about my bummer of an evening. Or my bummer of a life lately.

Surely making friends is easier when you're an adult, when it no longer matters if you have the latest clothes, the right hair, or listen to the right music? Why are all of these grown up things so damned impossible for me to master?

I can't emphasize how much I need - no WE need - some help. We're so damned tired, neither of us has slept a whole night in more than 2 months. Jonah is super cranky in the evenings (I guess because he's tired) and super cranky in the mornings (from being awoken before he's had enough sleep because he's awake half the night) so it feels like he cries all the damn time. We're short with him because we're so freaking sick of listening to him scream, then we're short with each other because we're frustrated, we're worn down and we're so damned isolated. It really feels like lately the only way we communicate at all is by sniping at each other. Our conversations revolve around how broke we are, whether Jonah has something wrong with him, how the hell to deal with James and his teenaged attitude. Once the kids are finally in bed we spend that precious hour before we collapse into bed and near instant sleep apart - him in front of the TV, me at the computer or at my desk crafting. The little things we used to do together are just a memory, lost in the haze of this continued existence, for we don't really live anymore.

Better

Wookie is doing MUCH better now, amazing what a proper dose of benadryl coupled with baking soda baths, sleep and lots of hugs will do. The welts have faded to pink and are much smaller, plus most of the ones on his face are gone. I was pretty scared for a couple of days but he seems just fine. I do worry though that since he's had this once his chances of reacting this way again are increased. I don't want him to be an epi-pen fella if it's avoidable :)

I on the other hand have the weirdest chest pain (it's not a heart attack, don't panic). I think I've pulled a muscle with this stupid useless tickly cough that doesn't do anything but annoy me. Certainly it really hurts to cough today (and yet somehow that's not a deterrent to coughing, I still *have* to cough, coughing doesn't get rid of the phlegm ball in my throat, it doesn't stop the tickle and yet I'm powerless to resist!) I can't wait for the warm weather to return.

Worse

It's getting worse.  We went back to urgent care since his hands and wrists were so swollen he could scarcely hold his cup.  He has Erythema Multiforme, which the doctor explained to me as an allergic reaction, likely to the cold virus that's been plaguing him the past few days. Poor wee babe.

face





and legs

Spotty

Someone has hives...



Click for larger

Looks pretty nasty doesn't it? The doctor figures it's secondary to a bacterial throat infection and did a swab to see if he needs antibiotics. Funny thing is he's fine, not acting sick at all. He's itchy, but even that doesn't seem as bad as you'd think with all of those welts. I've never heard of hives being caused by an infection but I googled it and Dr Greene says it's a real phenomenon.

This is definitely the child that has the strange things happen...

*shudder*

Dear Tim Horton's;

This morning at one of your Ottawa area stores a woman with a HUGE FREAKIN' WART on her hand served me my coffee and bagel. If you don't have a policy against this I seriously suggest you put one in place ASAP. Those tiny bits of tissue paper they wrap the food in don't make me feel any safer, or any less squicked out. Going to be awhile before I order from there again.

Disgustedly yours,

works sucks dude

I shouldn't complain about work because I make a decent salary, have good benefits and (usually) enjoy what I do. But MAN the bureaucracy here STINKS! All I want is to book a week of summer vacation well in advance so I can make plans. Sounds easy enough but no, not when you work for the feds. No, instead I get an email from my supervisor that says "I have been advised that with the impending that I, personally, should no longer approve leave requests beyond June 2005. "

There are 40 of us who now can't plan a summer vacation. The impending part that I've snipped out comes into effect in SEPTEMBER. WTF? I can't take a week off in July because of something that's happening in SEPTEMBER? Bullshit. The people in my division were denied vacation time from the end of August until the end of November because of a potential public service strike, now our summer vacations are up in the air too. I'm not asking a lot, just a week off in the summer while the kids are off school. *sigh* Can I retire yet?

Resolutions

I hate how the formatting for this page gets all ralphed up if you view it with anything other than IE. Probably time to start thinking about hosting my own.

So my new year's resolution for 2004 was to be more patient with the kids. How did I fare? Well, not as well as I could have but I did make progress. I certainly yelled less, and I smiled more, but I still let a lot of small things get under my skin. A work in progress.

My resolution for 2005 is to meditate more. I used to meditate every single day but like so many things it's fallen by the wayside and I really feel it in how poorly I've been dealing with stress lately. So perhaps it seems like a selfish resolution but I know I'll be a better mama, a better partner and better worker if I take the time I need to cope better with stress.

You thought I was going to resolve to blog more dincha? Naw, once we give in and get high speed again it'll happen but right now I only have high speed access 8 hours each weekday (when I should - ahem - be working). I do at elast think about bloigging every day, and that should be worth something.