Fun!

numbers

Being poor - or most specifically being terrible with what money and/or credit you have - is evidently a license for businesses to treat you like shit. It seems if you have a less than perfect credit report then you're no longer human.

We needed to renegotiate our mortgage, we're at the end of its term. We were hoping to incorporate a rather high-interest loan into the mortgage. We have lots of equity in the house, and have never missed or been late on a mortgage payment. Didn't matter a whit to the bank. The person we saw jerked us around FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH then said that the bank wouldn't do it and referred us (well really sent all of our information to without telling us) to a mortgage broker friend of his. It's just gone downhill since then. I won't bore you with the details but we first set foot in the bank on May 1st and we finally signed with a trust company (at a ridiculous interest rate) today. We forked out $267 for an appraisal that took more than 2 weeks to complete, $1000+ for a lawyer we never - not once - even saw (everything was done by his assistant, who was frankly a few monkeys short of a barrel "What's this 'CAPONE' on your credit report?" "It's short for CAPital ONE" "No, it says CAPONE, is that Italian" "Yes, we're in the mob [insert eye rolling]") a whopping $4500 "application fee" to the trust company and close to $1000 in other fees to various other places.

I am sick to death of the bullshit. I'm sick of being nothing more than a number. It occurs to me that the few things I truly care about are portable, why do I stay in this house/city/country anyway? The temptation to drop everything, to walk away from the nonsense, from the stress, from the heartache - to just take my little family and go someplace far away and start over again - well it's nearly overwhelming. It's a child's fantasy I know.

Back

Back from the depths of Southern Ontario. Had a nice visit with the 'rents, got to spend a whole day with one of my oldest friends and her family, took the kids nature walking through a conservation area (baby swans!), to the beach (goose poo!), and to the annual GM picnic (inappropriately dressed women!). The babes had a fabulous time, they always get spoiled senseless at the grandparents' house. They were awesome during the 4+ hours driving each way too which was such a blessing. I enjoyed myself, I truly did, but I found the weekend really ramped up my anxiety level. Boy it is just so much easier hiding in my house than having to wear the game face 18 hours a day. The big boys had lots of fun in our absense, I think they were disappointed to see us return since it meant the end of silence (and the beginning of toddleropoly of the DVD player). Pics to follow once my lazy @$$ unpacks.

A book meme

I've been tagged by Lisa

1. Total Number of Books Owned: Wow - well over 500 anyway. We'd have more too if we had a bigger house

2. Last Book Bought: The Life of Pi by Yann Martel

3. Last Book Read: The Dark Tower (Book 7) by Stephen King (I waited 20 years for THAT???)

4. Five Books that mean a lot to me: Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Was there a single girl who was not profoundly affected by this book?
The Gate to Women's Country by Sheri Tepper. Very thought provoking (though my take was quite different than the person who wrote that amazon review). Still resident in certain brain cells, I find myself thinking about it often even though I haven't read it in more than 10 years.
The Chrysalids by John Wyndham. Say what you will, I LOVED that book! If you were forced to read it in 12th grade English you might not agree but I read it on my own in my early teens (and again in my 20's) and found it very affecting.
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. A classic, glad I first read it before my children were born, it truly changed my perspective on womanhood.
The Stand by Stephen King. One of the major reasons I chose health sciences as a career.

OK so I tag Maria and Susie ('cause they're so smart :) )

Wisteria fields very fine in Autumn

Seen at Lisa's Blog

My japanese name is 藤原 Fujiwara (wisteria fields) 千秋 Chiaki (very fine in autumn).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!

and

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Before shot



After



Quite a difference isn't it? Helps even out the "layers" she had from the hack job she did with the kitchen scissors over the winter. I think it's adorable, my little elf! I suspect Papa will be somewhat less thrilled but she'll definitely be cooler for the summer, and it'll grow back quickly enough.

Just stuff

Taking the two littlest ones for a 4+ hour drive tomorrow to visit my parents. I know they'll have a great time, my parents have 2 dogs, 3 cats, two tanks of fish and a pond, lots of stuff for babes to get into. Spent nearly 4 hours yesterday at what passes for a beach in these parts (Mooney's Bay, it's actually a very lovely place to spend the day, sand beach, playground, lots of grass for picnics and trees for climbing). Probably could have stayed longer if not for the strong wind off the water which chilled the kids.



Then to DQ after dinner for ice cream treats (and then right into the tub!) Why though does DQ not make ice cream cones in a size suitable for kids? I got small cones for the two little ones and they're freakin' huge!! At least twice as much as necessary. James and I had bliz*zards - I ordered medium and I swear there was an entire pint of ice cream in there! There was no way I could finish it.



Life is good.

que sera, sera

I used to have good days and bad days - now I tend to measure in hours, even minutes. I've had a good half hour, I've had a bad 20 minutes, whatever. The past 12 hours or so I've been wound up so tight, and for no reason that I can see. Just an odd pervasive sense of impending doom. So much of my life is up in the air, so much in transition, so many changes either happening now or in the near future and I dislike this unsettled feeling. I suspect that's a large part of the problems I'm having right now. I've never been a spontaneous 'que sera, sera' kind of chick, I like to know what's happening, what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, who will be there, what they'll be wearing - well, you get the drift.

I keep trying to have a good attitude, trying to focus on the positive but it's so much harder than I remember. It's so much easier to lock the door, turn on the radio and wallow. So much more predictable too.

Forever blowing bubbles

Since it's raining we may as well blow bubbles!





(yeah Jonah hasn't really mastered the difference between "blow" and "suck" and thought the bubble pipe was a straw - but he did make some lovely bubbles)

drifting

Thank you for all of your kind words.

I've been avoiding blogging, I was expecting to come back after a couple of days to say "hey, I'm all better now, a little unscheduled vacation and now I'm ready to dive right back in", but it hasn't happened like that. I expected that simply admitting I was in over my head would be enough, that I would feel so relieved to unburden myself I would magically be restored.

Instead I've felt anxiety like nothing I've ever experienced before. I shake like I have the DTs, I have trouble concentrating on even the simplest of things, my heart races if I even think about work. At the same time there's the strangest disconnect between me and the rest of the world, like I'm wrapped up in a big piece of gauze: I see and hear everything that's happening but it doesn't seem 'real'.

I met with "someone I can talk to". She seems nice, sensible, crunchy. I'll spend an hour a week with her for now. She didn't want to make any judgements after only spending a single hour together but she did say that she doesn't think 4 weeks will be enough time away from work, and that it's likely if I went back to the same cesspool I'd just end up right back where I am now. I haven't started to think yet about what that means to my family, who depend on my income. Once I start thinking a little more clearly there will doubtless be many deep, tear-filled conversations about our future and about finding balance.

unloading

It's difficult to admit but I seem to have lost my ability to juggle. I know that hundreds of thousands of women over hundreds of thousands of years have managed to work, raise kids, keep house and still smile but it would appear that I am not one of them. The stresses in my life, particularly the stress of working in an environment where I've been tossed around like trash in the wind, have finally become more than I can handle. So, in consultation with my doctor and my husband I am taking a medical leave of absense from work. Probably just 4 weeks. Just enough time to start dealing with the elephant.

I don't know how much I'll be able to talk about it here. I'm ashamed, I'm frightened, I'm burning with nervous energy and falling down with exhaustion and apathy. It's not a good place.

Happy Birthday Jonah

My little wookie turned two on Thursday.



He liked my cake so much we got exactly the same one for him :) Had the candle blowing part down pat too (C was so impressed he lit the candles a second and third time for Jonah to blow out. Yeah, and once for Katie Princess too). We had a very very low key birthday, just the 5 of us. Jonah got a leap pad Jr (hope this means he'll leave his sister's leap pad alone) and some clothing. Opened about half of his presents himself which is a huge increase from the zero he opened at Christmas.

He's sstarting to act two as well - starting to voice his strong opinions, has learned the works "no", "mine" and "I try" (when he wants to do it himself - which lately is EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME). He's such a different boy from the miserable preverbal baby he was 3 months ago. It wasn't an overnight transition but it was much faster than I'd dared hope. He smiles a lot more now, he laughs, he plays with his sister (he fights with his sister too), he's funny and affectionate.

Happy Birthday baby, I hope the next year brings even more wonderful things for you.