The Year in Review

In the waning hours of this year I'm looking back at the 12 months that have passed. While not exactly an annus horribilis, 2005 is not a year I'd be keen to repeat. There were a few ups, lots of downs and a whole lot of floundering helplessly.

February marked the start of my slide into the murky waters. It's when I really started to see how miserable I was at my job, the same job I'm still doing now some 10 months later. March and April marked even more misery at work but such incredible, vast improvements with Mr Jonah that it sort of balanced out. May was quiet, and marked my 33rd birthday.

June I took a big step out of my life. 5 weeks of stress leave, a couple of medical professionals and a whole lot of navel gazing about summed up June.

By July I was starting to feel better, or at least learning to cope better. The summer drifted by status quo.

In September my baby princess started school, and while there were some bumps she amazed everyone by picking up her new language incredibly quickly.

The fall brought work changes, a new boss, a new office, a new way of doing things. It didn't however bring a new attitude for me. I still hate what I'm doing, and I still can't wait until I can find something better. I spent most of the fall jumping hoops and wading through government hiring crap in the longest job competition ever. For awhile I was even excited about it. But 7+ months? If they called me Monday to offer me the job I don't know that I'd even be excited anymore.

Now December is closing and January is a breath away. Last year I resolved to be more loving and patient with my children. 2006 is about fixing me. Eating better, living better, feeling better.

Goodbye 2005, I'm not sorry to see you go.

Two gerbils, a wheel and a carrot.

I absolutely have to learn to write this stupid code that keeps this stupid blog semi-running.

Happy Holidays

We're leaving at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow for the 4+ hour drive to my parents' place for Christmas wheeeeeee! Hopefully our visit will go smoothly but I'm bringing booze just in case.

I won't be blogging while I'm gone because I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork than risk this url showing up in my dad's browser history :)

So I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a holiday filled with peace, love, and lots of good food.


PS - I gave my MIL her calendar tonight, she seemed to like it (though I'm never quite sure if she really likes my work or is in patronizing maternal mode). If you want to take a peek I've posted it here

unfiltered

For me, the hallmark of a true friend is a person with whom you don't have to filter what you say. Someone you can say anything to, safe in the knowledge that it will never be used against you or held over you, that you'll never be ridiculed for it (good natured ribbing aside), knowing that they'll love you despite what you say (or perhaps because of it).

There are so few people I feel that way about, and almost all of them are too far away to drop in on for tea and crumpets when I need to let it all out. At Christmas time, more than any other time, I mourn the paucity of close friends in my life. Christmas, rife with stress, stifled by the need to be PC, pulled in so many directions by so many forces, Christmas is when I need my tea party. Or vodka party. Or Prozac party.

Funky inner hair colour?

I'm not real sure where exactly my "inner hair" would be located, but...

Your Hair Should Be White

Classy, stylish, and eloquent. You've got a way about you that floors everyone you meet.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

cookies!

My little egg-breaker redeemed herself by baking me a mighty fine batch of cookies.




Did I mention I ate 11 of them?

She's becoming so articulate too, so able to express more subtle and complex concepts. She had a nightmare last night and was able to tell me this morning not just the nightmare (she dreamed that Jonah was attacked by a dog) but also the more subtle emotional subcontext "I tried to save him, people kept saying I was so brave, but I wasn't brave because he died". It's incredible to finally experience closer to the full depth of what's going on in her little head. She has an amazing intellect, her memory is phenominal and her emotional range is awesome.

These little people I've been blessed with, how did I live before I met them?

snow much fun

We're up to our elbows in snow and more of the white stuff is falling. Because the department I work for is high in stupid quotient I dragged my sorry butt in here through the snow today anyway. Thankfully I drive a big van with snow tires, and was able to see above the sea of cars stuck in snow drifts.

I love my honey :) Last night he gave me the cutest little crystal-etched Christmas tree that sits on a flashing LED base (so that the tree glows alternate colours... yeah, that was a lame ass explanation, I'd better just take a picture) to make my office a little cheerier. Today he packed my lunch (as he always does, yes I'm spoiled and no, he's not for sale) and tucked in eggnog and clementines. He'll drag me into the Christmas spirit kicking and screaming :)

It's a PD day today in the French school board so Katie will stay at the after care program all day. They're having a little Christmas party, each child can bring one of their toys to share and they're having lunch and special snacks. When C dropped her off this morning he asked what they were having for lunch... turns out it's turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and all of the trimmings. C was about ready to take off his coat and stay! What a great program they have there, we really lucked out!

Still haven't taken the kids to see "Santa", they haven't asked but I feel like I have to anyway, one of those "expected" things. They have a gorgeous Santa set-up at Merivale Mall,, problem is that's not really close to my house. There's a santa display at the mall right across the street from me, not as nice but probably where I'll end up anyway. Maybe Sunday afternoon...

Tonight I hope to finish the baking I aborted last night when Katie dropped the last two eggs on the kitchen floor :) and maybe even wrap a few presents. We'll see...

Scrooge-dilly-icious

The tree is up, the Christmas carols are pumping, there's eggnog in the fridge and presents waiting to be wrapped and pretty Christmas cookies in the freezer. Still doesn't feel like Christmas.

I think I have to let go of the idea that the lead up to Christmas will be anything other than torture, at least for a few more years. Oh I know that on the big day(s) I'll be happy - watching the kids open their presents, seeing my family and friends, being together. But the preparations, fuggedaboutit. Shopping is no fun when you're po', baking is no fun with two little egg-smashing "helpers", decorating is no fun alone. Add to that an evil teenager and a "less than satisfying" job (plus this STUPID STUPID 7 MONTHS RUNNING JOB COMPETITION THAT STILL HASN'T BEEN DECIDED!!!!!!!!!) and I am totally scrooged.

I did finish a scrapped calendar for the MIL, and got most of my Christmas cards out on time but everything else I'm just letting go of. The kids won't notice anyway, and they're all that really matters.

That skirt really shows off your gams!

I love my pediatrician. No really, I LOVE my pediatrician! I have never, EVER waited in his waiting room longer than 5 minutes, not even once.

We arrived at 7:52 for our 8am appointment. I had barely gotten Jonah's boots and coat off when they ushered us in to an examining room. The nurse right away weighed and measured Jonah, wrote in his chart, then left. Literally 90 seconds later the doctor came in. You can tell doctors who have made children their life, they know exactly what to do, and they move FAST. He let Jonah play with his stethescope while he checked his reflexes, then let Jonah play with his reflex hammer while he listened to his chest. Head to toe exam - less than 5 minutes (or about the attention span of a 2 year old if he's drumming with a pair of tongue depressors). He took a little longer getting a really good look at Jonah's eyes, and he's pretty convinced that they're straight (phew). I was worried that he'd have the same strabismus issues that Katie has but so far that's not the case at all. We were back in the car and heading for a celebratory doughnut by 8:10. I LOOOOVE my ped :)

Jonah's stats are: height 36 inches, weight 33lbs (both right on the dot!), which is just under 50th percentile for height, and 75th percentile for weight.

I tried to take him Christmas shopping but that idea was quickly abandoned in favour of playing at home (less chasing involved). It was amazing to see how incredibly sweet and funny he is when he's not competing for attention with his sister. I think I need many more mama and Jonah days :)

Mama's little cross-dresser:



Yes, that's tissue paper on his head. Who knows...?

In China it's just called food

I slipped on the ice this morning getting into my van at daycare and split my skirt right up to tastelessness. An unscheduled trip home followed. That about sums up my life lately, Mr Murphy has taken up residence in my psyche and is keeping me from being effective at anything.

It's nearly Christmas, a time of year I love but am about ready to boycott. The amount of stress we heap on ourselves to create some ridiculous illusion of holiday perfection is senseless. My mother is probably the only person who would notice if I didn't send out handmade Christmas cards (though really can I justify the money I spend on st@mpin' up if I don't at least make my own cards?) The time and money spent on baking homemade Christmas treats, making gifts, decorating (haven't actually started that yet) - time (and money) that could be better spent with the kids. I guess once people think of you as a crafty person there's an expectation that you'll wow everyone with your dazzling creations year after year. But I want out. I want to buy boxes of chocolates and drug store perfumes and gift cards.

This year the effort to make sure all of the family gets to see the kids over the holiday is almost overwhelming. Since the company that both of my parents worked for went belly-up they've been working menial jobs at about 50% of their previous pay, so my mom is totally bummed about Christmas. I don't blame her, even though I preach the "we don't need anything except to be together" mantra I know that even a simple scaled down Christmas celebration is still a financial drain. Plus their crappy retail jobs mean that they get barely any time off over Christmas. Since C and I are more flexible about that I've been contorting trying to plan our visit to them so that they'll get the maximum possible time with the kidlets. My mom keeps responding with "whatever" "well are you really sure you want to come" "what will you do on x day when I'm working", blah blah blah. That, unfortunately, isn't sitting well with the other side of the family who'd like to know exactly what our plans are so that they can make plans to see the kids too.

17 days until Christmas - I have less than 10% of the gifts bought or made, none wrapped, I haven't mailed my Christmas cards, I haven't decorated my Christmas tree, and I have no firm plans for travelling to see the family. I've only listened to my Christmas CDs once (and normally I adore Christmas music), I haven't had any egg nog (another favourite), didn't even taste my Christmas baking. I'm feeling really Scrooge this year and I'm running out of time to have a change of heart.

Ho Ho Humbug.

The acorn doesn't fall far

I was never married to James' father.

We met the summer I turned 17. He was my first serious boyfriend, in time he became my first lover. My family and friends hated him, but I was undeterred. He was charming, popular, cute, with a serious bad-boy streak, and I was in love. He was constantly running afoul of his strict Catholic parents, it was inevitable that he'd get thrown out of the house. When he did, I moved with him. We were freshly turned 18, he was a highschool dropout, I was going to school part time and working full time to cover the bills. We lived in a series of crappy basement apartments, me covering the bills while he picked up work here and there, mostly as a DJ. I was pregnant within a few months. We talked about marriage, but never seriously. Even then I think we knew it wouldn't work.

I worked right up to my due date. D continued bouncing from job to job. Then James was born, and everything changed for me. I became a mother, my life centered around that baby and providing him with a comfortable and stable home. I went back to school part time when he was 6 months old, D was yet again unemployed so he stayed home with the baby. I'd come home at noon to find James parked in a playpen with a bottle while D slept, day after day. At night D would head off to a bar, either to DJ or just to party, crawling home in the wee hours.

I put up with it until just after James' first birthday. It was a difficult decision to leave, to tear apart James' family, but I had to do it. I worked hard to make a good home for James, to provide him with all of the love and security possible. There was always enough food but few perks or treats. For a time D visited James frequently, but eventually he found other things to be interested it.

D drifted in and out of his son's life, showing up with flashy gifts each time, then vanishing for weeks. I met a wonderful man, and after awhile I moved 4 hours away from D.

C was interested in being a father to James, but not in replacing D. He hounded D to stay involved in James' life, to be a more predictable presence, to call him weekly and see him at least on major holidays.

Years passed. D married and had more children, and suddenly wanted to see more of James. While I continued to struggle financially D was now flush with cash and lavished gifts on James. I never fussed, I always believed that James would remember who had loved and cherished him his whole life and not be fooled by all that glitters.

I was wrong.