Writing's on the wall

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout’ to fall,
When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way, yeh, yeh.


I tend to be superstitious - not in the ridiculous black cat walking under ladders Friday the 13th way, more a believing that things happen for a reason and that there are signs out there if your eyes and mind are open to them.

I had a dream last night (yes, I know, generally I'd rather have a root canal than listen to other people's dreams but bear with me), I dreamed that I was dying and I dreamed that a doctor friend of mine was the attending physician trying to save me. I used to work quite closely with this doctor but in the Spring I changed positions and she changed floors so now I see her only briefly a couple of times a week. Imagine then how odd it was that after dreaming about her last night she showed up in my office this morning at 7:22 with a tray of coffee.

Perhaps I'm being shown that I'm surrounded by wonderful people, if I just open my eyes and heart to them.

flies

Death is everywhere
There are flies on the windscreen for a start
Reminding us
We could be torn apart

Damn I'm in a funk lately. It feels like the entire world is going to hell all around me, and my own little world is sinking too. I'm bummed about money, I'm bummed about my shitty job that I can't quit because I need the money, I'm bummed about how miserable Jonah's daycare situation is but I can't fix it because of money, I'm bummed that some of my friends are down but I can't do much for them because of money, I'm bummed because my house is too freakin' small for 5 people but I can't change that because of money, I'm bummed because my family is too far away and I can't see them because of money. Friends getting married, friends having babies and we're conspiculously absent because of money.

It's not the love of money that is the root of all evil, it's money - just money itself. I was far happier when I was making peanuts but doing something I loved, and somehow we got by just fine. Now I make nearly twice as much money, but I hate it, and I spent half my day wishing I could be at home with my kids (while spending 2/3 of my paycheque on daycare). Still we slide further into debt, we cut more and more corners, we deny ourselves not just perks but often essentials (I haven't had my hair cut since November, I haven't bought new shoes since 2003), we're so snippy and tired and damned resentful, our whole home is becoming a toxic cesspool of frustration.

My woes are so small compared to what's going on in the rest of the world, but somehow that makes it even worse, like everyone is having a sucky life, adds to my "why bother" mentality.

I'm just a freakin' ball of joy.

a little nothing

Yeah I suck about updating lately (if only I at least had clean bathrooms to show for my absense). I just haven't felt like blogging much. I've been in a pretty foul mood lately, for no real reason. Tired, run down, and grumpy, way too snappy with the kids, content to hide in my bedroom whenever I can. Hopefully I snap out of it before my next Stampers 6 on Saturday.

I think things are getting better for Katie at school, I'm not sure that she's understanding much yet but she's pretty good at following along anyway, and she really seems to enjoy the after care program. She already has two little boys in her class though that she doesn't like, one who steals her glasses, one who teases her. Typical kindergarten stuff but it does make me sad... well that and it makes me want to tell them to leave my little baby alone hehehe. Jonah is, as I expected, a little lost without his big sister. Hopefully he'll adjust soon.

Nothing else really.

Four-and-a-half year old update

Yes, it's an odd age to do an update but since Katie had her annual check-up today (our ped is a little strange) I thought I'd record her stats at 4.5.

Height - 40.5 inches
Weight - 38 lbs
Abilities: She can count past 30 in English and to 10 in French and Spanish (thank you Dora). She can do very basic addition (along the lines of 1+2). She knows the alphabet and can sound out small, familiar words (ball, hat, etc). She can balance standing on her head quite well (her favourite trick) and can do front rolls, full turns and all manner of jumps. Her speech is incredible, she has a huge vocabulary, lots of adjectives and amusing ways of describing things. She's lost almost all of her cute little Katie-isms :( (the exceptions? She still says earnly for only and yet's for let's). She has a prodigious memory, especially for song lyrics. She has quite the temper but also amazing perseverance. She has a wide variety of adorable expressions and she knows how to use them! It's very difficult to be angry with Katie for very long. She's charming and funny and sweet, and amazes me more and more every day.

Hayley

I've belonged to a scrapbooking message board for over 2 years, it's a fabulous place full of wonderful people and I love it so much there. The message board was created and is run by a fabulous woman named Hayley of A Charming Place.

Late Friday night Hayley and her family lost everything in a fire. Since she and her husband are self-employed they lost not just their home but their livelihood too. My heart is breaking for them. They have 4 beautiful children (who thank God are safe and fine) who have lost their clothes, their toys, everything.

If you're the praying type please keep Hayley and her family in your prayers, they're going to need a heck of a lot of help. And if you can help with your wallet please consider doing so. At this point there is no trust fund set up (to my knowledge) but a member of our group is taking paypal donations. Please email me at xerxia at gmail dot come if you can help and I'll forward you what information I have. Every little bit will help. They're currently being sheltered by the American Red Cross and they're unsure of how much their insurance will cover.

Not so easy

Tell me it gets easier.

Every day something has gotten screwed up or gone wrong with Katie and school. Yesterday when I picked her up she immediately handed me her glasses and said "can you wash these mama, they've changed from purple to black". You guessed it, they weren't hers. I handed them off to the daycare leader who promised she'd check with the teacher in the morning. C gets a call about 45 minutes later - they've located Katie's glasses (phew). And the ones she was wearing? They belonged to her teacher. So my far sighted daughter spent half of yesterday wearing reading glasses that she likely couldn't see out of, and her teacher somehow missed the fact that her reading glasses had gotten smaller and now had "Barbie" written on the side.

I feel like the worst kind of whiner. Honestly, I do expect bumps, I do expect mistakes and miscommunications and I'm not angry in the least. It's just that I am so wound up about her school, so frustrated with the language barrier, feeling so subpar about my parenting and my ability to be useful to her that each small mishap threatens to be the proverbial straw. C keeps telling me to relax, that no one is judging me but dammit I am judging me. I start getting stressed out every day even before 2 o'clock. By the time I actually get to the school at 3:40 I'm generally well into the throws of a panic attack. All of my carefully practiced French greetings have vanished, as have all of the teachers' names.

I understand that it's me, all me. Understanding does not make it easier.

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Hello big world, here I come

My baby girl went to school this morning on a big bus all by herself, and she didn't even say goodbye.



She was so excited and happy. We had some bus issues but C straightened everything out and they sent the bus back for her so I won't dwell on it (insert Zen breathing). She was making little friends even before the bus pulled away.

Her world will never be the same. She'll discover that there are people smarter than mama, people more interesting than mama. In a few years she'll discover that the opinions of those people matter more than mama's. For 4 and a half years I've essentially been her world, now I'll be but one person.

She'll continue to be my world. I'm so proud of you sweetie.

Life of the party

I don't like crowds. I've always attributed it to being claustrophobic but I'm starting to wonder if it's part social anxiety.

We went to a big adoption party yesterday for friends of ours who recently welcomed a little boy into their lives. It was held at a small community centre and was fairly crowded, consequently I was quite uncomfortable (the fact that 90+% of the guests were speaking in French didn't help much either). What surprised me though was how miserable Jonah was. He's not much of a crowd child to begin with, the party was held over his normal naptime, and sucky mother that I am I broke the cardinal rule of taking your child places: never assume that there will be anything fit for their consumption. I only brought 1 sippy cup of water for each kid not realizing that there'd be a pay bar with beer and pop instead of kid friendly beverages. Poor kid was So.Freakin'.Miserable. I spent more time outside walking with him than at the party. He calmed down considerably when the food came out but he was still agitated, clingy, whiny and just generally not Jonah.

C thinks it's just the combination of tired/hungry, I hope he's right because I would hate to think I had passed my social inadequacies on to my children or was reflecting my discomfort onto them.

For the record Katie had a blast. That child is a butterfly.

Sorted out

Katie's bus and daycare issues are sorted out, it took some arm twisting and schedule shuffling but it's all good now. We'll be paying as much for 1.5 hours of afterschool care as we did for all day care but what can you do? C will work later to be home in the mornings so he can put her on the bus, the on-site daycare centre at the school will keep her from 2:30 until I can get there at 4 to pick her up. They'll keep her PD days too so Jonah will be all alone at the sitter's. I'm a little worried about how he'll do without his big sister actually, they've never really been apart for any length of time.

C is more worried about Katie and how frustrated she's likely to be in an all-French atmosphere. This isn't immersion and they have a "unilingual francophone" policy (which is likely to be hard for me too but I can just nod and say "oui, oui"), he actually asked the caregivers if they'd give her a couple of English words if it's obvious that she's too frustrated. They said they shouldn't but that they would if need be. My only concern is that she'll be frustrated enough to not want to go to school, and that would be a terribly sad start to her school career. Still, can't put the cart in front of the horse so to speak, have to let her actually get to school and daycare before worrying about how she's coping.

Music meme

Found this meme at Lisa's Blog. You are supposed to go here (bottom of page), find the top 100 songs from the year you graduated high school. Cut and paste the list, then highlight the ones you loved, cross off the ones you hated and leave the ones you have no opinion about.


1. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, Bryan Adams
2. I Wanna Sex You Up, Color Me Badd (damn I hated that song)
3. Gonna Make You Sweat, C+C Music Factory
4. Rush Rush, Paula Abdul
5. One More Try, Timmy T
6. Unbelievable, EMF
7. More Than Words, Extreme
8. I Like The Way (The Kissing Game), Hi-Five
9. The First Time, Surface
10. Baby, Baby, Amy Grant
11. Motownphilly, Boyz II Men
12. Because I Love You (The Postman Song), Stevie B
13. Someday, Mariah Carey
14. High Enough, Damn Yankees
15. From A Distance, Bette Midler
16. All The Man That I Need, Whitney Houston
17. Right Here, Right Now, Jesus Jones
18. I Adore Mi Amor, Color Me Badd
19. Love Will Never Do (Without You), Janet Jackson
20. Good Vibrations, Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch Featuring Loleatta Holloway
21. Justify My Love, Madonna
22. Emotions, Mariah Carey
23. Joyride, Roxette
24. Romantic, Karyn White
25. I Don't Wanna Cry, Mariah Carey
26. Hold You Tight, Tara Kemp
27. You're In Love, Wilson Phillips
28. Every Heartbeat, Amy Grant
29. Sensitivity, Ralph Tresvant
30. Touch Me (All Night Long), Cathy Dennis
31. I've Been Thinking About You, Londonbeat
32. Do Anything, Natural Selection
33. Losing My Religion, R.E.M.
34. Coming Out Of The Dark. Gloria Estefan
35. Here We Go. C+C Music Factory
36. It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over, Lenny Kravitz
37. Where Does My Heart Beat Now, Celine Dion
38. Summertime, D.J. Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince
39. Wind Of Change, Scorpions
40. P.A.S.S.I.O.N., Rhythm Syndicate
41. The Promise Of A New Day, Paula Abdul
42. I'm Your Baby Tonight, Whitney Houston
43. Love Of A Lifetime, Firehouse
44. Fading Like A Flower (Every Time You Leave), Roxette
45. This House, Tracie Spencer
46. Hole Hearted, Extreme
47. Power Of Love-Love Power, Luther Vandross
48. Impulsive, Wilson Phillips
49. Love Is A Wonderful Thing, Michael Bolton
50. Rhythm Of My Heart, Rod Stewart
51. Things That Make You Go Hmmmm..., C+C Music Factory
52. I Touch Myself, Divinyls
53. Tom's Diner, DMA (I have no idea why I like this song)
54. Iesha, Another Bad Creation
55. Something To Talk About, Bonnie Raitt
56. After The Rain, Nelson
57. Play That Funky Music, Vanilla Ice
58. Temptation, Corina
59. Can't Stop This Thing We Started, Bryan Adams
60. I Can't Wait Another Minute, Hi-Five
61. 3 A.M. Eternal, The KLF
62. Time, Love and Tenderness, Michael Bolton
63. Saideness Part I, Enigrna
64. Around The Way Girl, LL Cool J
65. I'll Be There, Escape Club
66. Cream, Prince and The N.P.G.
67. Now That We Found Love, Heavy D. and The Boyz
68. Show Me The Way, Styx
69. Love Takes Time, Mariah Carey
70. Cry For Help, Rick Astley
71. The Way You Do The Things You Do, UB40
72. Here I Am (Come and Take Me), UB40
73. Signs, Tesla
74. Too Many Walls, Cathy Dennis
75. Crazy, Seal
76. I'll Give All My Love To You, Keith Sweat
77. Place In This World, Michael W. Smith
78. Something To Believe In, Poison
79. Wicked Game, Chris Issak
80. Get Here, Oleta Adams
81. Round and Round, Tevin Campbell
82. Silent Lucidity, Queensryche
83. I'm Not In Love, Will To Power
84. Piece Of My Heart, Tara Kemp
85. Real Real Real, Jesus Jones
87. Just Another Dream, Cathy Dennis
88. Everybody Plays The Fool, Aaron Neville
88. Strike It Up, Black Box
89. Rico Suave, Gerardo
90. Disappear, INXS
91. Groove Is In The Heart, Deee-Lite (I haven't heard this song since '91!)
92. All This Time, Sting
93. The One and Only, Chesney Hawkes
94. O.P.P., Naughty By Nature
95. Freedom 90, George Michael
96. I Saw Red, Warrent
97. Miles Away, Winger
98. Do You Want Me, Salt-N-Pepa
99. The Motown Song, Rod Stewart
100. Shiny Happy People, R.E.M.

What's truly shocking is how few of these songs I even remember. Where the heck was I? And why, for that matter, is there no Cure, Depeche Mode, Love and Rockets, Morrissey or the Smiths on that list?

I was cool in highschool! Wasn't I?

Hot air balloons!

This weekend is the annual Gatineau Hot Air Balloon Festival which takes place in Gatineau, Quebec (just across the river, about a 10 minute drive). We haven't been in years because it's not exactly toddler friendly but I guess this year our house is on the edge of the flight path! Between about 6:30 and 7:30 more than 60 hot air balloons flew over my house and just west of my house. One even landed unexpectedly in the park by our house (the babes and I of course went to investigate, the boys spent the entire time glued to their computers playing their stupid video games)

A few pictures...







(Pardon Katie's outfit, yes she is wearing a t-shirt over a purple tutu)

Best laid plans

Katie had her junior kindergarten orientation yesterday. She was up at the crack of dawn, dressed herself in her Easter dress and ballet slippers to be all ready for school. We convinced her to wear something else just in case she wanted to play on the school's playground, she thought that was a splendid idea. C took her to her new school, I think she'll do fine there. It'll be difficult for her at first since she doesn't yet speak French but it will come.

However C found out that her first official day has been pushed back to September 13th, a delay of only a week but a week that will be filled with tears since Katie really wants to go to school each and every day. However the delay turns out to be a blessing in disguise since we also found out her bus is totally FUBAR. In May they told us it would be just fine to have the bus pick her up and drop her off at the sitter's, yesterday - SEPTEMBER 1st - we find out they won't do it because her sitter - who lives less than 2 blocks away - lives ont he wrong side of the street and would therefore be in a different school district. Had we known back in May we would have signed her up for the afterschool care program that the school offers but now it's full. They put us on the waiting list as a priority case but really, who else would be stupid enough to tamper with their daycare situation the week before school starts? It's unlikely a place will come open.

I should be upset about this, I want to be upset about this, but I'm not. Oh, I'm annoyed, we're going to have to do a lot of running around to hopefully find a workable situation in the next week but I have this highly unrealistic and yet unshakable feeling that there's a reason for this. What it could be I have no freakin' idea, yet the feeling persists.

My baby girl with her humongeous school bag



So I guess we'll see what happens next. I may well wig out at the midpoint of next week if we don't have some arrangements in place but for now it's just a little bump.

Hopelessly addicted

I am so hopelessly addicted to this game!!!



I knew I'd have to play until I got a high score :)