Spring

Finally it's starting to look like Spring around here! We played outside after work yesterday in the mud and slush, it was great. Kids got filthy but hey, I have a washing machine, it's all good.

I was trimming some of the dead wood from my rosebushes while we were out there and one of those strange things that could only happen to me happened: I lost my balance and put my hand down to steady myself - right onto a piece of dead wood I'm trimmed off. A thorn, nice and sharp and about a centimetre long plunged right into the inside of the second joint of my index finger (right where there's no padding). Bah, hurts like a bugger but no big wound or anything to show for the pain, just a tiny red dot. Funny how the smallest booboos hurt the most.

Back to life, back to reality

So I'm back at work.

The past 10 days at home I started feeling like me again. Being back at work only 2 hours and already I'm stressed out, actively fighting tears and miserable.

The kids were a joy this morning, got up, dressed and out the door easily. Katie voiced her displeasure at going to the sitters but she didn't fuss. Jonah didn't fuss at all but the look he gave me as I said goodbye, it was like I'd betrayed him. Broke my heart.

I don't know if I'm only seeing what I want to see but Jonah was a different boy these past two weeks. He slept through the night EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. His language skills seemed to explode (he kept saying "mama all right?" - that's a real sentence not just a word!!!) The tantrums were minimal and normal almost-2-year-old tantrums. Maybe it's just my eyes seeing what my heart wants to see but it sure seemed like he was majorly improved having me there.

I've been fighting back tears all morning (and frankly losing the fight a lot). It just seems like everything points to what the right path is but that path has such massive roadblocks preventing me access.

Ramblings

It's the last day of my mini vacation. Our trip out to see my parents went quite well, even the 8+ hours in the van were good. My parents spoiled the kids of course but everything was calm and loving and really good.

I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow. I've enjoyed being with the babes so much this week - even when they were fighting with each other it was wonderful. I've been having "nightmares" about being back at work, it's pretty sad. (Sad in part because one of my nightmares involved being demoted to "pancake maker" and not being able to figure out where I'd fit the griddle on my desk. It appears I have issues with the uselessness of my position). I just wish we lived in a society that valued the SAHM, that made it possible for families to have a SAHP and still live above the poverty line. The various levels of taxation in Canada make that a near impossibility (not to mention the ridiculous student debtload we all graduate with). Anyway I won't harp on it any longer, I just hate going back to work and leaving my babes with the sitter again.

So how was everyone's Easter? My mom made my favourite ham and scalloped potatoes Saturday evening and I swear I gained 10lbs with all of the yummies she fed us. She did an Easter egg hunt for the kids which they loved! Katie is old enough to "get it" and every time she'd put down her basket Jonah would snatch an egg from it (so perhaps he "gets it" too!). Glad to be home though.

A couple of pictures of my Easter babies...

3 eyes

Gah! Toddlers were never meant to wear glasses! Katie has been so good, and so careful but she's 4 and 4 year olds bump into things, fall down, fall asleep on the couch wearing their glasses, and a hundred other things that are not conducive to keeping tiny bits of metal and glass in good shape. So, yeah, her glasses are broken, the frame snapped right where the arm attaches. Blah. Thankfully they have a 1 year warranty on the frame but for $230 I kind of expected they'd last longer than 7 months. So now I have to stop at the optician's on my way out of town (it's way over in the west end of town, has no parking, and is just generally a PITA to get to). Plus I KNOW it'll take more than a week for them to order in the new frame.

mumblings of a hausfrau wannabe

I love being home! Unfortunately fate decided now would be a great time for me to get that cold that everyone at the office has been suffering from (which meant no trip to the pool yesterday, somehow sitting in a public pool feverish and with a runny nose sounded a wee bit unfair). We're having fun anyway, Jonah's trying so hard to communicate, and has been so affectionate, Katie is amazing me every minute with what she's capable of doing. They change so fast. How I'd love to do this every day.

We're driving tomorrow to spend Easter with my parents (the three kids and me, C. is staying behind, poor dear, a whole weekend of sleep and video games). Kinda sucks that Easter is so early this year, we're still buried under snow, slush and muck, so no charming Easter egg hunt pictures in pretty Easter dresses with green grass and lilies in the background. I suppose we'll survive :) My mom has doubtless bought more Easter candy than any child could possibly eat. I used to get upset with her about it but she just cant help herself. Maybe I'll even find a white chocolate bunny there for me (I love to break off their heads and dunk them in my tea mmmmmmm).

4 hours (at least) in the van with 3 kids. I'm insane. I'd better take Jonah for a haircut before we leave, he's starting to look like an 80's relic.

Whadda face!

This picture just cracks me up!

Click for larger

Great times

Under all of the oddities and frustrations my little wookie is frightfully smart. Early this morning while I was perched at my desk checking email he toddled over, sat on the floor beside me and took off his jammies. Nothing odd about that, he loves being nekked. Then he skipped away (calling out something all too close to "paaaarty!) and returned a minute later sans diaper but CARRYING A FRESH DIAPER. We bought the hug*gies convertibles that he can pull on and off himself and with a bit of help from mama to get his feet in the right holes he changed his own diaper.

A mother could get used to that!

He's had a fabulous weekend, no tantrums at all, he's slept quite well, he's played with his toys and his sister. He's been a charming, sweet 'NORMAL' child. It's so heartening. Sure helps recharge my batteries too :)

I am en vacances all of this week! I don't report back to hell - er, I mean work - until March 29th. Heaven! Just me and the babes. I have to get more play d'oh!

can't buy me love

Tonight Katie told me "some mamas have babies born in their tummies and some mamas give some money to the 'hossible' and get babies". Where in the name of heaven do they come up with these things? We had a brief discussion about how all babies come from a woman's tummy but sometimes that woman is just helping another mama who can't keep her baby in her own tummy. It was a pretty lame explanation but it hadn't occured to me that adoption would come up with my 4 year old anytime soon. We have no friends who have adopted (though we have friends who are hopeful) and I can't remember ever talking about it. Strange the conversations you can have with a little person.

I've read so many wonderful posts lately about the joys of being home with your little people. I'm always heartbroken the leave in the mornings but lately I'm downright depressed. They seldom fuss about going to the sitter and they're well cared for but dammit I MISS them and I hate being so uninvolved in their day to day lives. Problem is we are not in a position financially where we can give up my income and benefits.

Where can people go to learn how to be better money managers so that they can achieve their dreams? I see advertisments all of the time for things like Freedom 55, retire a millionaire, blah blah blah. I want someone to teach me how to get out of debt and live more frugally. Such things should exist. Before someone tells me about credit counselling let me tell you they're not interested in teaching you anything, they only want to get you into their "debt repayment plan" so they can take a chunk of your money. Useless.

My parents are not great money managers and I grew up knowing that money was always tight. I certainly didn't suffer but I came of age with the mindset that I wasn't going to deprive myself - or my kids. It's a terrible mindset. While I'm (mostly) past that now the debt I incurred follows me still. I wonder how many years I'll pay for my stupidity. Worse is the knowledge that my children are paying for my stupidity with my absence.

sleep, like heroin

Jonah has slept the past two nights, the only two in a month. It's funny - and sad - how once my body gets a little sleep it craves more and more, like a REM junkie. So I feel simultaneously elated and exhausted. Hehehe, I'll take it!

Now to something completely different. Our next door neighbours bought a gorgeous boxer puppy in the fall, a darling little thing with ENORMOUS feet. I think I've mentioned before that I live in a townhouse, and a very SMALL one at that. Our yards are so tiny they can't even be called postage stamp size and they are only fenced on two sides ("to maintain the aesthetics of the community"). Fast forward 6 months. Puppy is now dog, and dog BARKS. Barks and barks and barks and barks... My bedroom wall joins to her bedroom wall and that must be where they're keeping the dog. I'm hearing impaired and still the barking it driving me nutbar (and occasionally keeping me from sleeping). The neighbour is a nurse and works odd hours and her teenagers seem to come and go with no set pattern so I guess the dog is left alone a lot. I like this neighbour, until now there's never been an issue but the barking is sending me around the bend (ok, further around the bend). So how do I tell her that the dog is so freakin' disruptive. 'Cause she can't know, no one would allow this to continue if they has a clue right? I have no idea how to broach this with her, we're not close by any stretch and with her strange hours and the bitter cold I see her very seldom.

- and if I do talk to her do I also mention how much I despise her teenagers smoking pot where my impressionable 13 year old can see? It's tough to explain to him the hypocrisy that prevents me from calling the police on them you know?

Neighbours - can't live with them, can't live without them. Or can you?

Weekends

I love weekends! Jonah is always easier on the weekends, there's so much time for cuddling on the couch, tea parties, finger painting. Wouldn't life be fabulous if every day was a weekend?

It's not like a Jeckyl and Hyde type thing - he still tantrums, he still cries, but somehow it's easier. Adds to my belief that he'd be better off having me home. Next week will be a real test of that theory, I've taken the whole week before Easter off and it'll be just me and the babes. I can hardly wait.

what's wrong here?

I haven't blogged much about Jonah lately, it's hard to know just what's going on with him. The steps he's made with his language have mostly stayed, no major backslides there, but the tantrums are becoming more and more frightening.

I work 8 hours/day, and commute about 1 hour total, so the babes spend 9 hours/day in daycare. Add to that the time they spend sleeping (or at least the time they should be sleeping) which is another 10.5 hours and I'm really only with them 4.5 hours per weekday. (Gosh that makes me want to cry, I've never looked at it like that). Anyway, the past 2 days Jonah's spent a minimum 2 of those 4.5 hours screaming, crying, tantruming. He cries regardless of whether he's being held or not, he's not distracted by comfort measures, toys, snacks, cuddling, music, change of venue, anything. He arches, he trembles, he repeatedly bangs his head on the ground. He does this strange thing with his lower limbs where he stiffens his legs totally straight with one foot toes pointed and one toes arched back (constantly). He makes odd sort of raspberry blowing noises and literally foams at the mouth. There never seems to be any common trigger.

We have a referral to a language and behavioural specialist, I'm currently playing phone tag with their intake team. Voicemail - a rant for another day. I'm starting to lose hope though that there will be an easy explanation for Jonah. I just can't see it getting better soon. I'm so discouraged, I hate seeing him so sad, so angry, so upset. I hate that these tantrums take away from time spent with our older children too. With everything going on right now I feel like I'm only holding on by the thinnist of threads. Something's going to break, and it's going to be soon.

Happy Bloggity Birthday

Hey I just realized I've been blogging for exactly one year. Just a drop in the bucket compared to some particularly verbose bloggers but longer than I expected to last.

8 for the 80's - musical edition

The continuation of Andrea's cool meme

1. What did the music of that era mean to you then?

Well it's hard to fully imagine since it's the music I "came of age" to, it was more than entertainment, it was the soundtrack of my life, the words of my generation. I spent half the 80's in highschool, when music was everything!

2. What song takes you right back, whenever you hear it?

Alphaville's "Forever Young", they played it as the last song of every highschool dance I ever attended.

3. Shuffle your playlist (I know you have one). What’s the first song listed from the 80’s? (not a cover!)

No playlist, I'm at work :)

4. Your 80’s music icon was…?

Madonna for a long time.

5. Hair bands! Discuss!

Platinum Blonde - do I need to say more?

6. How much did your musical taste change from 1980 to 1989?

HUGE! In 1980 I was all about Saturday Night Fever (shuddap, so were you, admit it!) John Travolta, Olivia Newtow-John... By 1989 it was Depeche Mode, Morrissey (The Smiths), The Cure... less mainstream stuff (though still not real weird)

7. Which big 80’s music star should just give up already?

I'm with Andrea, it's time for Jacko to retire

8. Which big 80’s musical talent are you glad to see has still got it?

Well I'm glad to see Madge still around (though I haven't heard anything lately).

bonus question: When you first heard Bowling for Soup’s 1985, what did you do?

Oh don't hurt me but I rolled my eyes. There's nothing like hearing all of your icons mentioned in a song that also refers to you as being "uncool" for liking them. Yeah, I need to be reminded that I'm old.

I'm going to have Karma Chameleon stuck in my head all afternoon now.

bad.

He only says a handful of words, why does this have to be one of them??? I've spent my adult life steadfastly avoiding that word around the kids but evidently either the sitter or her little boy (age 6) use it frequently enough for Jonah to pick it up. Sigh. It's such a small thing but it just adds to the feeling that not only is a stranger raising my children but she's not raising them the way I want. I wish I could be home with them.

Of course I have my own trough of questionable words that the kids dip into. While I was rebinding one of Katie's leap.pad books that Jonah had ripped apart she was discussing with her father returning Jonah "to the baby store" (she knows babies don't come from the baby store, don't flame me) because he was a "pain in the ass". Yep, that's one of mine. bad.

No computer whiz am I

Of course, now it looks weird in IE. Screw it.

Changes...

I got sick of not being able to view my blog in Mozi.lla (which is what we use at home after having had some parasite troubles with IE) so I'm using one of blogg.ers generic templates. I never was a bastion of originality anyway and now my blog won't look like someone's regurgitated dinner anymore.

Someday.... SOMEDAY... I will actually learn how to code my own damned templates. Until then - this is what we're stuck with.

Job talkin'

OK I feel calm enough to talk about my sucky job.

Like most government agencies the department I work in has rules which exist outside of the realm of common sense. I'm used to that. Every person here, regardless of what they actually do, is classified equally, paid equally and considered interchangeable. So, even though what I do requires a spate of specialized knowledge (for which I went to college and further developed in many years of private sector employ) I receive no additional compensation nor it appears any form of job protection. The cheeses like to occasionally stir everyone up and place them into different functions within the office. This "rotation" (as they phrase it) I'm being sent to a job I've done before and hate, a job so mind numbingly menial that a trained chimp could successfully do it. To add insult to injury the person rotating into my position has ZERO formal training or knowledge of what I do. They think I can train her in 4 days to do what's taken me years and a college diploma to learn. I won't repeat what I told the cheese but it wasn't real polite.

Really I know I have no reason to be as upset as I am - I'll still be making exactly the same amount of money that I was before, and I'll have lots more time to blog and surf. Yes I lose the office I like, but my new office will be blissfully quiet (and that will be a bonus) and the shifts are different but not unmanageable, - but I am PISSED royally nonetheless. I work my ASS off here, I work through lunch, I seldom take any breaks, I'm here early, I stay late. I get ZERO recognition for my effort, I get ZERO respect for my knowledge or competence.

Did I mention that the person moving into my position is just coming back from a maternity leave where she spent most weekends hanging out with the cheese? Yeah, nepotism is alive and well in the government, it just wears a different hat.

Advanced?

Coolness

The commonly confused words test

Advanced
You scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 61% Expert!
You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Thanks to Dawn for this (though I sure wish there was a place where I could find which intermediate question I missed.) Not too shabby for having been out of school nearly a decade now.

Happy Birthday Princess!

My baby girl is four today! In only the blink of an eye this tiny creature

Has become this beautiful young lady


I am in awe. She is such an incredible person: brilliant, funny, charming, sweet. Everyday she finds more ways to amaze me.

We had just a small family birthday dinner, the 5 of us and C's parents. I baked a white cake with vanilla frosting and let her decorate it with smarties and gummy bears. She LOVED that! A few gifts (mostly new jammies, she's gotten so tall lately), a few balloons, low key. Of course she was still pretty wound up from the excitement of it all, but in a good way.


Happy Birthday Precious Girl!

Eight for the 80's

Normally I'm not a meme kinda chick but, well, it's about the 80's! How could I resist?

Eight for the 80's (thanks to Andrea)

1. What was your hair like?
---In a word - BIG. Super high bangs, teased crown, think Madonna in "Like a Virgin" and you're close.
2. What did you *wish* your hair was like?
---I always wanted big spiral curls but that was never happening with my hair so I was pretty OK with how it was.
3. What was the coolest item of clothing you had back in the 80’s that is totally embarrasing now?
---Yeesh. Well I had a ton of jeans with safety pins making the calves nearly impossible to walk in. OH - I remember, I had neon pink nylons. I wore them once with white jelly shoes - that's a day I wish I could have back! Did I mention it was for school pictures ((shudder))
4. What was a cool fashion trend that you didn’t understand back then, and still don’t?
---Jelly shoes. The freakin' things were hot, sharp-edged, impossible to walk in and ugly as sin.
5. What was a fashion trend you *wish* would come back?
---As much as punk was cool I loved the whole preppie scene, I miss my pastel button down shirts and snug jeans, and my Bass Weejun penny loafers, and my retardedly expensive Ralph Lauren socks
6. … or that you were happy to see did come back?
---Things from the 80's are back? I didn't get the memo. I do hate those rubber bracelets, they could have stayed gone.
7. Who was your 80’s fashion icon?
---Depends on which part of the 80's. Madonna in the early part, then I went through a Molly Ringwald phase (shut up!), then there was the Morrisey/Robert Smith phase...
8. Describe your best (or worst) look for the eighties.
---The neon nylons and jelly shoes. I'm going to dig up that picture, it's truly hideous.